11. Let the Warfare Begin

I have been churning over this post for the last hour. I even posted a tweet that I had lost to fear in hopes of telling you bloggers that I was calling it quits. I browsed through everyones writing for the day and almost felt as if the resignation was firing me from being in the cool kids group. I hated the idea of missing a day with all of you. So I did what you would expect, I opened up a new window and clicked the dreaded "new post" button and went straight to Facebook. I know what you are thinking, you do it too. But this time it lead me down a dark road with a new wave of spiritual warfare. You see, my biggest fear is never being worthy of love. Never being desired, pursued, and chosen so when any hint of this comes my way, the enemy comes in swinging and I know the lies all too well. The lies came over me on Facebook of all places. Isn't it just like the enemy to enforce fear and weakness? To rub salt in our wounds when we just thought they were healed. For me, spiritual warfare comes at the brink of something big. As if on queue the lies and accusations sing their familiar tune, and after a while I tend to agree. I will confess that before I started this post I had every intention of quitting for the night, but when the warfare began on Facebook I knew I had to write. I knew the tone of voice I was hearing was not my Abba and was not my own. You see, I know these lies, I have named them and denounced them countless times so it should be no problem, right? Wrong. I still struggle. But this is not the end, and I am not giving up without a fight.

Last year in August I wrote about thinking bigger, and to be honest I still have no idea what that meant, but I do know God has intentions for it. I spent the last 9 months being melodramatic about working just to survive and that feeling purposeless is like dying a slow death. But without a minute to spare as the season is closing I regret not grasping every moment even if it scared me, and claiming it as mine. I started this month of blogging with absolutely no expectations, because what can a community group of writers accomplish when most of them have never met? Wrong again. I am so touched by the graciousness of all of you, the comments, the tweets of encouragement. I somehow feel a special connection to all of you and it has made me feel so loved. Wah wah, touchy feely section is almost over. I have loved learning from all of you and seeing pieces of who you all are and your desires, dreams, goals. It has been challenging and unifying. But I never expected that what has happened would happen. Ever.

On day two I shared my worry of not having a place to live come June, and Everyday May blogger Cristin mentioned she had a room open. I got to meet her for the first time last Sunday and look at her house. After chatting a bit and going over goals and dreams of community living, I have been accepted into her home! I cannot begin to express how blessed and aside myself I am at this. And to have two new friends and sisters in Christ to help me grow is going to be an incredible, exciting journey. On day four I wrote about how God makes my heart race and Everyday May blogger Alicia commented that she was moving to Houston to help plant a church. I loved reading of how God called her to that. Today I got to meet her for the first time and had an incredible hour talking through dreams, weaknesses, and thinking bigger. We shall see where God leads this one, but I will tell you.. something is stirring. And of course, the long awaited, much anticipated day where I get to hang out with Everyday May blogger Alanah is finally here. She is my new soul friend. What is a soul friend you ask? A soul friend is like a soul mate, but a friend. You both eat dry top ramen, geek out over movies and music, and share a passion about life and love in a similar fashion. We have decided to watch the first season of Glee together this Saturday and I am excited. :)

I was talking with a friend today about future possibilities and how excited and scared I was and he mentioned that what he struggles with is worrying about his impact, his capabilities rather than God being huge. And it is so true, that was exactly what I was doing. I realized my entire talk with Alicia today was my fear overtaking God being huge, worrying about me, myself, and I. And I am so. sick. of. it. I am so sick of me getting in the way. I hate that I put God in a box and limit him with these spiritual formulas that we think if we complete, God will act. Or that if I had my act together, God would be most glorified. I. am. so. wrong. Again. Lord purge me from my fear. Thank you for the countless men and women in your word that you remind us were sinful and ill-equipped (in their minds), but that you called them and used them. And you call us and use us. And thank you that you come at the right time and remind us that it's all about you - right where it should be.

So let Your will be done. Oh and let the warfare begin. I'm ready.

10. Undertones in Film

It is no surprise that I reference a movie in almost every one of my posts. I believe they tell a story of our Creator, of the creator of the film, of someone they know and of us. They speak of longing, adventure, desire, and worth. There is nothing I would rather do than watch a great film. I love great conversation, I love spending time with people I adore, and I love knowing my God. Do not get me wrong there. But if asked what I want to do with my free time, it is likely watch a movie. Second to that is reading a book, writing something, or listening to music. My sister teases me because I can watch the same film countless times and never get sick of it, while she is a watch-it-one-time kind of gal. And by watch I mean ask questions, play on her laptop, and scold her three year old all while watching. Love you, sis :)

Back to topic at hand. Movies. A movie can change your life, I believe. It can heal your hurts and offer needed therapy. It can embody emotion, expression and excitement. It can also wound you. Too much darkness in a film, at least for me, can have effect on my soul. I will be real here for just a moment. When I am feeling lonely, I either play Pride and Prejudice or Twilight. I know, I know. If I am feeling adventurous, I play the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The list goes on and my movie choice typically depends on either A. If I haven't seen it, or B. my mood.

So with that, I would like to share with you some of my favorite movie quotes and confess to you these are my favorites mostly because I relate in some way. Either past occurrences, or future dreams.

The Holiday - Iris to Jasper:
"Okay, let me translate that. So, you are still engaged to be married?"
 Jasper confesses, "Yes, but I mean..."
 Iris sighs, "Oh, my God. This was a really close call. You know, I never really thought I'd say this, literally never, but I think you were absolutely right about us. Very square peg, very round hole."
 Jasper replies, "You cannot mean that."
"The great thing is I actually do. And I'm about three years late in telling you this, but nevertheless I need to say it. Jasper. Wait, I need the lights on. Jasper, you have never treated me right. Ever."
 Jasper cuts in, "Oh babe..."
"Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - this twisted, toxic THING between us is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. And you're not going to be in it."
 Jasper, shocked, says, "Darling.."
She continues, "Now I've got somewhere really important to be, and you have got to get the hell out." "Now!"
Jasper says, "What exactly has got into you?"
"I don't know, but I think what I've got is something slightly resembling.. gumption!"  
[Door slams shut in Jasper's face, Iris turns around with her arms raised and screams with joy.]

Pride and Prejudice - Jane, extremely twitterpated, to Lizzie. "Can you die from happiness? Oh Lizzie, if I could but see you happy. If there were such another man for you." Lizzie responds, "Maybe Mr. Collins has a cousin."

Happy Feet -  Gloria to Mumble after she eludes to not having found her soul-penguin. "I guess I never heard the right song."

Tangled - Flynn Ryder, in closing. "She was a princess worth waiting for."

Lord of the Rings - Frodo to Gandalf. "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."
"So do all who ever lived to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you."

500 Days of Summer - Narrator. This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hanson of Margate New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met... the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music, and a total misreading of the movie The Graduate. The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parents marriage, she'd only loved two things. The first was her long dark hair, the second was how easily she could cut it off, and feel nothing. Tom meets summer on January 8th, he knows almost immediately she's who he's been looking for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.

( - The expectation vs. reality scene. Hard to explain, but it's amazing. I couldn't find a link.)
I adore this film. I love how how Tom gets hurt, he thought he had found the one, but learns to move on and read the signs from the beginning. He finds his heart again, his passion and skill. And then the seasons change from summer... to autumn :)

I recommend renting any of these films if you have not seen them. You could even invite me over, I like popcorn.

9. Nightmares

WARNING: What you are about to read can be taken as frightening and is known to cause nightmares.

I just walked from my roommate's car to our apartment, and on the way I felt something soft by my foot. I commented that it felt like a cat or maybe it was a furby. What the hell is a furby? I mean really? I'm not sure I understand where they were going with that. I even had a friend who collected them, and in my opinion, is worse than collecting clowns. Sorry Candace.

I mean, look at the freaking thing.

Tell me that's not creepy...

Well, I would like to tell you a short story. There was once a little girl who loved scary movies, and so the young girl thought she was mature enough for Gremlins.

WRONG.

She was not. Immediately after watching the film, she had a year filled with nightmares of small, irritatingly ugly gremlins tormenting her and visions of small rolling balls of terror chasing her. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? Look at this thing.

I don't care who you are, that's disturbing.

Look, this one's posting a blog.

And then there was the cute one. Not. Still creepy.

This horrifying film caused the poor little girl to fear the depths underneath her bed and the moments before getting in bed so much that she had to run and jump from the hallway to remain safe from the scary gremlins that threatened her life.

Well don't worry, she was fine. Nothing 'now I lay me down to sleep' couldn't fix.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I still have it memorized. I mean she, she does.

The End.

8. Psalm 103

I have had this Psalm playing on repeat all day today. My heart is content and full of trust for what God is doing. Hope this encourages you as it has been me.

Psalm 103

Of David.

1 Praise the LORD, my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
   and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The LORD works righteousness
   and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
   his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
   they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
   and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
   the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
   and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
   and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
   and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
   you mighty ones who do his bidding,
   who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
   you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
   everywhere in his dominion.

   Praise the LORD, my soul.

Amen.

7. More Than The Watchmen

Pretty frustrated, last week the Internet was out and now my Mac laptop charger broke. I'm posting from my iPhone! It's a little difficult to be deep and creative this way but I will try my best. It's been an interesting week for sure but I've seen traces of God everywhere, even through this group of everydaymay bloggers. I still don't have a place to live lined up but there are a few things in the works. Waiting with eagerness for God to provide in His timing.

I had a thought for tonights blog but I feel I can't put what I want into it this way. But I will say that God is stirring me and putting thoughts/opportunities in my path that have REALLY got me thinking and I am trying not to get too excited!

Lord, bring the rain. I'll wait for you, more the watchmen wait for the morning.

6. The Reveal (of many things).

I can't quite come up with a reason why it has taken me almost six days to blog about this. Maybe one part fear and one part insane fear of community. I was raised by an incredibly mother, and when I say incredible, I mean as good as they come. I have an incredible sister and grew up in an incredible church and have been in community my entire life. Big schools, big churches, big parties and plenty of socializing. But somewhere in the last 25 years I developed a fear of relying on other people to get things done and made it a priority to do everything, as much as I could, on my own. Granted there were times of desperation where I had to beg my parents for gas money or my roommates for milk, but even in those times of desperation a dark cloud of guilt would cover me and torment even the thought of asking anyone to help me. I suppose I have never really confessed this, which seems odd even to me (who declares everything loudly). If I borrowed something I would force myself to remember to give it back quickly. If I had to asked for a ride somewhere I would say thank you at least 16 times. When my dad and step mom helped me get on my feet financially my freshman year I cried. When my Grandma helped pay my last semester at school I cried. I put on this Stone Cold Steve Austin persona sometimes, and when my Grandma saw me cry she was shocked. She had never seen me cry. I also had never seen her cry until my Grandfather passed away. Wonder where I got it from... Every time my parents had to bail me out of a financial rut, they saw how much it tore me up to ask for help but they gave and continue to give graciously to the prodigal daughter. If you're smarter than me, you know it's an allusion. I'm a huge baby that hates people to know that. Maybe that's why asking people for things wears on me? It shows insuffiency and failure, two things perfectionists die grand deaths from. 

The girl that hates to ask people for help put herself on the ledge of a very tall cliff three weeks ago. I woke up one morning and was stunned with a very clear decision that was made for me. It was less of a command and more of a certainty, the action of an event predestined for me. I was going to Kenya. With my church. In July. I had heard my bible study group talk about going for at least two months and continued to say I could never raise the funds or get the time off from work so I never bothered with even thinking about it. That is why waking up that morning with the imparted knowledge that I was going was kind of shocking  terrifying. I have never had to raise support for anything of this magnitude and to be honest, relying on community is scaring the tar out of me. Yes, tar. They still say that, right? 

I sent my support letters out on Monday and said a prayer over each envelope and begged the Master Mathematician to calculate what He needed for the trip because clearly it was Him going with through me. I have a love hate relationship with the word trust and know God loves when we get to grapple with my issues on it as he has brought on a season to hone the skill. I just told Him that He brought this upon himself and I am halfway laughing and halfway waiting for the impending lightning strike of death to come upon me. 

Oh, about the trip! I am going with my church, Crossroads Christian Church in Corona, CA. The trip is two weeks, July 22nd - August 3rd. There is a group of 40 of us going and our team will be working with the children and teachers at Kiamaiko Elementary School in the Mathare Valley of Nairobi, providing medical care/supplies to families and visiting the junior high students and teachers at the boarding school of Joska. I will have a part in doing VBS doing music, games and crafts. Other than the work we will be doing while in Kenya, the biggest and most important task joy we have is to display the love of God and share the Good News of what Christ lived and died for. I have to raise $3,650 (eeps!) to be able to go and the money pays for air travel abroad, surface travel abroad, supplies, visa, taxes, meals and lodging for two weeks. 

Here is the scary part - I need your help. Prayer is the biggest need, of course. Praying against the enemy's will against this trip, praying for funds for the entire team, praying for health, praying for emotional and spiritual growth, and praying most of all for His name and His glory to be known, sought after, proclaimed and loved. Also by giving (gulp). There are a few ways to give if you are financially able. I can send you a letter or email you instructions on how to give online (minimum of $100 for online donations - don't ask me why.) Would you prayerfully consider giving? I will prayerfully ask God to move hearts that He wants to have partner with me and this trip and call them to give, to call you to give. 

So, here we go, Lord. Here's to trust, community, and a new season. I will hold onto this one too. 

5. Holding Onto This One

There are few things that can change my mind. I tend to be a pretty strong willed individual (understatement) and actually grew up hating that about myself. I would tell myself I am too strong or too much and pretended to be the thing you would love. The older I've become the more I have learned to embrace the skin I'm in and beg God to mold what doesn't please him. But seriously, few things can change my mind. If I want to go shopping (rarely), I get what I want. I get out of the store in 2.5 minutes too. If I want a pizza, I'll get it. I will drive to Newport just for a Sprinkles cupcake. If you haven't had one, you should. So all of this sounds like self pleasing garbage, and I guess it is to an extent it is but the other half of it is a fierce determination to complete what I set my mind on. This has happened with school, singing, jobs, you name it. When I want something, I bang on Heaven's doors and ask God to move and I put so much of my strength in doing my part to make sure it happens. I realize in the process I may drive God a bit insane (refer to parents or past employers for confirmation) but the season of petition is one of closeness and learning.

None of this really had to do with anything other than the fact that somehow, someway, my mind was changed about something. Something I said I would never do.

I just got back from my college choir and orchestra command performance. Each year the school holds an alumni concert and invites old members to join in with all the repertoire we sang. When I was in the choir and orchestra (3 years) I could not wait to get out. Not that it was horrible, but that it got old. And I was too old. I was ready to move on and go on to the next thing. And while being done with school has been an incredible thing, somehow I ache to be back in the choir. I sat there and listened to the first half in awe at what the music tells of and that I was surrounded by not just incredible musicians, but incredible people. I was constantly challenged, musically, spiritually, personally and after a year away from it I realized I don't and likely will not ever have anything that quite compares to it. I said to myself I doubt I will ever miss this and this place is just not for me anymore but I was wrong, and I miss it. My mind has been changed and I feel as if I am not even the one responsible for the change.

I'm learning how important seasons are and learning to love even the ones that may not be my favorite, or the ones that scare me. I tell myself someday I will look back to the songs, to the music and remember the melody that spoke of greatness that lies in wait, for future revelation.

So here's to the music in your season, in every season, I'm holding onto this one.

4. And He Makes My Heart Race

There are a few things that make my heart race and I would like to share them with you today. Some part of me believes that they are significant indicators of something bigger, and the other part of me wonders not and lets them be. Either way, the emotion, the elation I feel during these is like nothing else in this world.

It happened today. I was listening to my Glee pandora station, while Mercedes was ripping apart the song "I bust the windows out ya car". The girl kills that song and I started imaging myself singing it and while I doubt I can sing that song quite as well as she can, my heart started to race.

It happened a few weeks ago. I was asked to share my story at choir and I started to sweat. It was like the scene in Superstar where Mary Katherine Gallagher says, "sometimes, when I get nervous I stick my hands under my armpits and smell them like this!" So I stood up there and shared what I had to share about who God was to me and the pit He has taken me out of and my heart raced.

I remember the first time it happened... Not sure I can ever forget it. I was at the Deeper Still conference that Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer and Kay Arthur hold. Travis and his band were leading some of the best worship music you will ever hear and my heart started to race. The thought was something like this, in no real order.

Travel.

Sing.

Minister.

Write.

Teach?

Counsel.

Women's hearts.

Girl's hearts.

Husband leads men.

I have no idea if those were real visions, whispers of God's calling, or just my heart sharing what it loves, but this I know is true: whatever I do, or wherever I go, I finally don't care what really happens.

God is enough. He is my portion. And He makes my heart race.

3. If I Were a Melody

I'd like to take you all on a journey tonight. Don't worry. just a short journey through what I would sound like if I were a melody. Do yourself a favor and scroll down to the player and push play. You would also do yourself a favor to listen to the entire song, it's pretty amazing.

There's a scene in one of my favorite movies that reminds me of this. It is where tonight's inspiration came from. Have you seen The Holiday? Do yourself another favor and go rent it. But the scene is between Iris (Kate Winslet), the brave woman from Surrey, England who travels to L.A. to spend her holiday getting over someone, and Myles (Jack Black), the struggling musician who is always the nice guy, and they have this cute little friendship. The scene I am referring to is where Myles is composing a song for the character Arthur to walk into a celebration event of his career achievements. Myles starts playing a melody for the event and Iris says, "that sounds like him!" Myles responds, "I also wrote one that sounds like you... Iris if you were a melody... I used only the good notes." OH GOSH! Gets me every time.

So, friends, I am deeming myself worthy of the melody you are listening to as mine. Me. Rissa. I am not sure how it came to be, if I chose it or it chose me, I guess it will forever remain a mystery. No I never did well at writing poems, but that rhyme was sick! So I listened to it about 67 times, cried a little, and then shared it with my mom. Of course that's the expected action, tell your mother!

My text said, "I found it!"

Mom, "Found what?"

"The song I will meet my groom at the altar with!"

"Awwww!"

Shared the link with her and said, "Headphones, stat!"

Mom replies, "EPIC!"   "Got teary!"   "So perfect!" (Did my mom just say epic?)

There you have it folks. The song that is me, if I were a melody.

2. Better Days

Well I have absolutely nothing in me right now. I have spent the last hour chatting with AT&T while my internet router decides to turn off. And while I had this grand idea of writing about something awesome, it is just not coming. I hesitate sharing what I really feel most days because I realize most people don't like hearing someone who is down. And there's one of my main flaws. I will always care more than I should at how others view me. And why am I always down? It's a condition. Not sure what to call it but I am prone to despair. I take one worry and create a catastrophe. Right now the worry is I have no where to live come June 1. I have had countless opportunities for living arrangements fall through and it is beginning to ware on me. Each new opportunity came with it excitement and faith that God was going to provide, and each crash has robbed me of that faith I swore was unshakeable.

So I am worried.

If I know God like I think I do He has something planned last minute.

Why does he always do that?

I guess I will take advantage of this blogging community and ask if you know of anywhere a girl can rent a room for cheap? Or girls that are looking to find a place?

I'm sorry but that's all I've got and even I am disappointed in me. Better posts to come on better days.