But in all honesty I struggle a lot with that. There is a line between creativity and perfectionism that becomes my enemy (almost all of the time). I haven't been able to write in a while and I usually know why it happens. I lose my heart and I stop fighting for it. I internally reject deep desires in my heart and convince myself that I don't matter. And in that process of losing my heart I lose who God made me to be. I lose creativity, I lose inspiration, I lose conviction, I lose heart. And most of all I become spiritually lonely. My pastor this last week spoke on how sin creates the feeling that we are separated from God, but in reality God never leaves us. Such a strong reminder that we are never alone.
This last weekend I was at the Beth Moore, Living Proof conference in Fresno. I always get ridiculously excited to come to these. Her speaking reaches deep places in my heart and the music is finally loud enough that I can sing and not distract anyone (I hope). My soul still really yearns to be a part of something musically like that so naturally during these conferences I dream and I hope and I let myself think maybe someday I will. But what I really am living on this week is how God spoke to me. Her messages were centralized on the in between, or the waiting seasons, where we aren't experiencing God's rain (blessing). She used James 5 where the farmer waits for the rain and gave some pretty powerful points on what to do or how to react during those times. One of them was to go look for your heart where you lost it. And while I try to pretend I don't know where I lost mine, I do. So I'm returning to the drawing (writing) board in hopes that I can revive myself. She also shared part of her testimony where she knew at a young age that God had called her to a vocational ministry but she had no idea what it was. So she spent years doing different things trying to figure out what "it" was and serve God with purpose. Cracked up when she said she lead a Christian aerobics class and had all the get up you imagine the 80's to have. She spent different seasons doing different things all in the name of trying to figure it out until someone mentioned speaking to her. I listened to her in awe because I see who she is now and how incredible her ministry is, but she spent years not knowing what it was and searching diligently for it. One part was curiosity why God didn't tell her sooner, and one part was encouragement that maybe, just maybe you aren't supposed to know yet. She said just do the next thing. Go on to the next thing. And I sat there and wondered why in the world I work this job, or live at this place, and I worry I am not doing enough or that I haven't found it yet, and I think somehow I am not doing all that I could or should for God. I worry that I am not in the right place, not serving enough, not doing enough and this weekend was an absolute blessing even if all she said were those 5 words.
Just do the next thing.
I'd been seriously thinking about moving to a different country for 2 years to serve God, or moving back home, or the next thing. Trying to find this huge revelation that this is it! That somehow this next thing will be it maybe for just a period, or maybe forever. I would compare myself to other Christian's who are doing "more" or are reaching more souls and I feel this inadequacy and I don't think it's legitimate, or Godly. We (I) somehow think we are bigger than God's ability to move or use us. And maybe we will never know why we sold toilets for X amount of time until God revealed the next thing. And in the future when we are doing the thing we believe in our marrow that we were created to do on this earth we may look back and wonder what the purpose of any of it was, but will it matter then? I have some wild fascination and mystery with how God works and I think I love it. Takes less out of my control, even if it is my thoughts.
So for the first time, in a long time, I feel like me. I have absolute trust that God will provide for me. If it's the next job, or the next house, or the next whatever. I have had my hope renewed and my heart is glad. God you are so good. Thank you.
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