11. Let the Warfare Begin

I have been churning over this post for the last hour. I even posted a tweet that I had lost to fear in hopes of telling you bloggers that I was calling it quits. I browsed through everyones writing for the day and almost felt as if the resignation was firing me from being in the cool kids group. I hated the idea of missing a day with all of you. So I did what you would expect, I opened up a new window and clicked the dreaded "new post" button and went straight to Facebook. I know what you are thinking, you do it too. But this time it lead me down a dark road with a new wave of spiritual warfare. You see, my biggest fear is never being worthy of love. Never being desired, pursued, and chosen so when any hint of this comes my way, the enemy comes in swinging and I know the lies all too well. The lies came over me on Facebook of all places. Isn't it just like the enemy to enforce fear and weakness? To rub salt in our wounds when we just thought they were healed. For me, spiritual warfare comes at the brink of something big. As if on queue the lies and accusations sing their familiar tune, and after a while I tend to agree. I will confess that before I started this post I had every intention of quitting for the night, but when the warfare began on Facebook I knew I had to write. I knew the tone of voice I was hearing was not my Abba and was not my own. You see, I know these lies, I have named them and denounced them countless times so it should be no problem, right? Wrong. I still struggle. But this is not the end, and I am not giving up without a fight.

Last year in August I wrote about thinking bigger, and to be honest I still have no idea what that meant, but I do know God has intentions for it. I spent the last 9 months being melodramatic about working just to survive and that feeling purposeless is like dying a slow death. But without a minute to spare as the season is closing I regret not grasping every moment even if it scared me, and claiming it as mine. I started this month of blogging with absolutely no expectations, because what can a community group of writers accomplish when most of them have never met? Wrong again. I am so touched by the graciousness of all of you, the comments, the tweets of encouragement. I somehow feel a special connection to all of you and it has made me feel so loved. Wah wah, touchy feely section is almost over. I have loved learning from all of you and seeing pieces of who you all are and your desires, dreams, goals. It has been challenging and unifying. But I never expected that what has happened would happen. Ever.

On day two I shared my worry of not having a place to live come June, and Everyday May blogger Cristin mentioned she had a room open. I got to meet her for the first time last Sunday and look at her house. After chatting a bit and going over goals and dreams of community living, I have been accepted into her home! I cannot begin to express how blessed and aside myself I am at this. And to have two new friends and sisters in Christ to help me grow is going to be an incredible, exciting journey. On day four I wrote about how God makes my heart race and Everyday May blogger Alicia commented that she was moving to Houston to help plant a church. I loved reading of how God called her to that. Today I got to meet her for the first time and had an incredible hour talking through dreams, weaknesses, and thinking bigger. We shall see where God leads this one, but I will tell you.. something is stirring. And of course, the long awaited, much anticipated day where I get to hang out with Everyday May blogger Alanah is finally here. She is my new soul friend. What is a soul friend you ask? A soul friend is like a soul mate, but a friend. You both eat dry top ramen, geek out over movies and music, and share a passion about life and love in a similar fashion. We have decided to watch the first season of Glee together this Saturday and I am excited. :)

I was talking with a friend today about future possibilities and how excited and scared I was and he mentioned that what he struggles with is worrying about his impact, his capabilities rather than God being huge. And it is so true, that was exactly what I was doing. I realized my entire talk with Alicia today was my fear overtaking God being huge, worrying about me, myself, and I. And I am so. sick. of. it. I am so sick of me getting in the way. I hate that I put God in a box and limit him with these spiritual formulas that we think if we complete, God will act. Or that if I had my act together, God would be most glorified. I. am. so. wrong. Again. Lord purge me from my fear. Thank you for the countless men and women in your word that you remind us were sinful and ill-equipped (in their minds), but that you called them and used them. And you call us and use us. And thank you that you come at the right time and remind us that it's all about you - right where it should be.

So let Your will be done. Oh and let the warfare begin. I'm ready.