6. The Reveal (of many things).

I can't quite come up with a reason why it has taken me almost six days to blog about this. Maybe one part fear and one part insane fear of community. I was raised by an incredibly mother, and when I say incredible, I mean as good as they come. I have an incredible sister and grew up in an incredible church and have been in community my entire life. Big schools, big churches, big parties and plenty of socializing. But somewhere in the last 25 years I developed a fear of relying on other people to get things done and made it a priority to do everything, as much as I could, on my own. Granted there were times of desperation where I had to beg my parents for gas money or my roommates for milk, but even in those times of desperation a dark cloud of guilt would cover me and torment even the thought of asking anyone to help me. I suppose I have never really confessed this, which seems odd even to me (who declares everything loudly). If I borrowed something I would force myself to remember to give it back quickly. If I had to asked for a ride somewhere I would say thank you at least 16 times. When my dad and step mom helped me get on my feet financially my freshman year I cried. When my Grandma helped pay my last semester at school I cried. I put on this Stone Cold Steve Austin persona sometimes, and when my Grandma saw me cry she was shocked. She had never seen me cry. I also had never seen her cry until my Grandfather passed away. Wonder where I got it from... Every time my parents had to bail me out of a financial rut, they saw how much it tore me up to ask for help but they gave and continue to give graciously to the prodigal daughter. If you're smarter than me, you know it's an allusion. I'm a huge baby that hates people to know that. Maybe that's why asking people for things wears on me? It shows insuffiency and failure, two things perfectionists die grand deaths from. 

The girl that hates to ask people for help put herself on the ledge of a very tall cliff three weeks ago. I woke up one morning and was stunned with a very clear decision that was made for me. It was less of a command and more of a certainty, the action of an event predestined for me. I was going to Kenya. With my church. In July. I had heard my bible study group talk about going for at least two months and continued to say I could never raise the funds or get the time off from work so I never bothered with even thinking about it. That is why waking up that morning with the imparted knowledge that I was going was kind of shocking  terrifying. I have never had to raise support for anything of this magnitude and to be honest, relying on community is scaring the tar out of me. Yes, tar. They still say that, right? 

I sent my support letters out on Monday and said a prayer over each envelope and begged the Master Mathematician to calculate what He needed for the trip because clearly it was Him going with through me. I have a love hate relationship with the word trust and know God loves when we get to grapple with my issues on it as he has brought on a season to hone the skill. I just told Him that He brought this upon himself and I am halfway laughing and halfway waiting for the impending lightning strike of death to come upon me. 

Oh, about the trip! I am going with my church, Crossroads Christian Church in Corona, CA. The trip is two weeks, July 22nd - August 3rd. There is a group of 40 of us going and our team will be working with the children and teachers at Kiamaiko Elementary School in the Mathare Valley of Nairobi, providing medical care/supplies to families and visiting the junior high students and teachers at the boarding school of Joska. I will have a part in doing VBS doing music, games and crafts. Other than the work we will be doing while in Kenya, the biggest and most important task joy we have is to display the love of God and share the Good News of what Christ lived and died for. I have to raise $3,650 (eeps!) to be able to go and the money pays for air travel abroad, surface travel abroad, supplies, visa, taxes, meals and lodging for two weeks. 

Here is the scary part - I need your help. Prayer is the biggest need, of course. Praying against the enemy's will against this trip, praying for funds for the entire team, praying for health, praying for emotional and spiritual growth, and praying most of all for His name and His glory to be known, sought after, proclaimed and loved. Also by giving (gulp). There are a few ways to give if you are financially able. I can send you a letter or email you instructions on how to give online (minimum of $100 for online donations - don't ask me why.) Would you prayerfully consider giving? I will prayerfully ask God to move hearts that He wants to have partner with me and this trip and call them to give, to call you to give. 

So, here we go, Lord. Here's to trust, community, and a new season. I will hold onto this one too.