תקווה - (tek-va). Hebrew; definition: hope.

11. Let the Warfare Begin

2011-05-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

I have been churning over this post for the last hour. I even posted a tweet that I had lost to fear in hopes of telling you bloggers that I was calling it quits. I browsed through everyones writing for the day and almost felt as if the resignation was firing me from being in the cool kids group. I hated the idea of missing a day with all of you. So I did what you would expect, I opened up a new window and clicked the dreaded "new post" button and went straight to Facebook. I know what you are thinking, you do it too. But this time it lead me down a dark road with a new wave of spiritual warfare. You see, my biggest fear is never being worthy of love. Never being desired, pursued, and chosen so when any hint of this comes my way, the enemy comes in swinging and I know the lies all too well. The lies came over me on Facebook of all places. Isn't it just like the enemy to enforce fear and weakness? To rub salt in our wounds when we just thought they were healed. For me, spiritual warfare comes at the brink of something big. As if on queue the lies and accusations sing their familiar tune, and after a while I tend to agree. I will confess that before I started this post I had every intention of quitting for the night, but when the warfare began on Facebook I knew I had to write. I knew the tone of voice I was hearing was not my Abba and was not my own. You see, I know these lies, I have named them and denounced them countless times so it should be no problem, right? Wrong. I still struggle. But this is not the end, and I am not giving up without a fight.

Last year in August I wrote about thinking bigger, and to be honest I still have no idea what that meant, but I do know God has intentions for it. I spent the last 9 months being melodramatic about working just to survive and that feeling purposeless is like dying a slow death. But without a minute to spare as the season is closing I regret not grasping every moment even if it scared me, and claiming it as mine. I started this month of blogging with absolutely no expectations, because what can a community group of writers accomplish when most of them have never met? Wrong again. I am so touched by the graciousness of all of you, the comments, the tweets of encouragement. I somehow feel a special connection to all of you and it has made me feel so loved. Wah wah, touchy feely section is almost over. I have loved learning from all of you and seeing pieces of who you all are and your desires, dreams, goals. It has been challenging and unifying. But I never expected that what has happened would happen. Ever.

On day two I shared my worry of not having a place to live come June, and Everyday May blogger Cristin mentioned she had a room open. I got to meet her for the first time last Sunday and look at her house. After chatting a bit and going over goals and dreams of community living, I have been accepted into her home! I cannot begin to express how blessed and aside myself I am at this. And to have two new friends and sisters in Christ to help me grow is going to be an incredible, exciting journey. On day four I wrote about how God makes my heart race and Everyday May blogger Alicia commented that she was moving to Houston to help plant a church. I loved reading of how God called her to that. Today I got to meet her for the first time and had an incredible hour talking through dreams, weaknesses, and thinking bigger. We shall see where God leads this one, but I will tell you.. something is stirring. And of course, the long awaited, much anticipated day where I get to hang out with Everyday May blogger Alanah is finally here. She is my new soul friend. What is a soul friend you ask? A soul friend is like a soul mate, but a friend. You both eat dry top ramen, geek out over movies and music, and share a passion about life and love in a similar fashion. We have decided to watch the first season of Glee together this Saturday and I am excited. :)

I was talking with a friend today about future possibilities and how excited and scared I was and he mentioned that what he struggles with is worrying about his impact, his capabilities rather than God being huge. And it is so true, that was exactly what I was doing. I realized my entire talk with Alicia today was my fear overtaking God being huge, worrying about me, myself, and I. And I am so. sick. of. it. I am so sick of me getting in the way. I hate that I put God in a box and limit him with these spiritual formulas that we think if we complete, God will act. Or that if I had my act together, God would be most glorified. I. am. so. wrong. Again. Lord purge me from my fear. Thank you for the countless men and women in your word that you remind us were sinful and ill-equipped (in their minds), but that you called them and used them. And you call us and use us. And thank you that you come at the right time and remind us that it's all about you - right where it should be.

So let Your will be done. Oh and let the warfare begin. I'm ready.

10. Undertones in Film

2011-05-10T16:46:00.000-07:00

It is no surprise that I reference a movie in almost every one of my posts. I believe they tell a story of our Creator, of the creator of the film, of someone they know and of us. They speak of longing, adventure, desire, and worth. There is nothing I would rather do than watch a great film. I love great conversation, I love spending time with people I adore, and I love knowing my God. Do not get me wrong there. But if asked what I want to do with my free time, it is likely watch a movie. Second to that is reading a book, writing something, or listening to music. My sister teases me because I can watch the same film countless times and never get sick of it, while she is a watch-it-one-time kind of gal. And by watch I mean ask questions, play on her laptop, and scold her three year old all while watching. Love you, sis :)

Back to topic at hand. Movies. A movie can change your life, I believe. It can heal your hurts and offer needed therapy. It can embody emotion, expression and excitement. It can also wound you. Too much darkness in a film, at least for me, can have effect on my soul. I will be real here for just a moment. When I am feeling lonely, I either play Pride and Prejudice or Twilight. I know, I know. If I am feeling adventurous, I play the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The list goes on and my movie choice typically depends on either A. If I haven't seen it, or B. my mood.

So with that, I would like to share with you some of my favorite movie quotes and confess to you these are my favorites mostly because I relate in some way. Either past occurrences, or future dreams.

The Holiday - Iris to Jasper:
"Okay, let me translate that. So, you are still engaged to be married?"
Jasper confesses, "Yes, but I mean..."
Iris sighs, "Oh, my God. This was a really close call. You know, I never really thought I'd say this, literally never, but I think you were absolutely right about us. Very square peg, very round hole."
Jasper replies, "You cannot mean that."
"The great thing is I actually do. And I'm about three years late in telling you this, but nevertheless I need to say it. Jasper. Wait, I need the lights on. Jasper, you have never treated me right. Ever."
Jasper cuts in, "Oh babe..."
"Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - this twisted, toxic THING between us is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. And you're not going to be in it."
Jasper, shocked, says, "Darling.."
She continues, "Now I've got somewhere really important to be, and you have got to get the hell out." "Now!"
Jasper says, "What exactly has got into you?"
"I don't know, but I think what I've got is something slightly resembling.. gumption!"
[Door slams shut in Jasper's face, Iris turns around with her arms raised and screams with joy.]

Pride and Prejudice - Jane, extremely twitterpated, to Lizzie. "Can you die from happiness? Oh Lizzie, if I could but see you happy. If there were such another man for you." Lizzie responds, "Maybe Mr. Collins has a cousin."

Happy Feet - Gloria to Mumble after she eludes to not having found her soul-penguin. "I guess I never heard the right song."

Tangled - Flynn Ryder, in closing. "She was a princess worth waiting for."

Lord of the Rings - Frodo to Gandalf. "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."
"So do all who ever lived to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you."

500 Days of Summer - Narrator. This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hanson of Margate New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met... the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music, and a total misreading of the movie The Graduate. The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parents marriage, she'd only loved two things. The first was her long dark hair, the second was how easily she could cut it off, and feel nothing. Tom meets summer on January 8th, he knows almost immediately she's who he's been looking for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.

( - The expectation vs. reality scene. Hard to explain, but it's amazing. I couldn't find a link.)
I adore this film. I love how how Tom gets hurt, he thought he had found the one, but learns to move on and read the signs from the beginning. He finds his heart again, his passion and skill. And then the seasons change from summer... to autumn :)

I recommend renting any of these films if you have not seen them. You could even invite me over, I like popcorn.

9. Nightmares

2011-05-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

WARNING: What you are about to read can be taken as frightening and is known to cause nightmares.

I just walked from my roommate's car to our apartment, and on the way I felt something soft by my foot. I commented that it felt like a cat or maybe it was a furby. What the hell is a furby? I mean really? I'm not sure I understand where they were going with that. I even had a friend who collected them, and in my opinion, is worse than collecting clowns. Sorry Candace.

I mean, look at the freaking thing.

Tell me that's not creepy...

Well, I would like to tell you a short story. There was once a little girl who loved scary movies, and so the young girl thought she was mature enough for Gremlins.

WRONG.

She was not. Immediately after watching the film, she had a year filled with nightmares of small, irritatingly ugly gremlins tormenting her and visions of small rolling balls of terror chasing her. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? Look at this thing.

I don't care who you are, that's disturbing.

Look, this one's posting a blog.

And then there was the cute one. Not. Still creepy.

This horrifying film caused the poor little girl to fear the depths underneath her bed and the moments before getting in bed so much that she had to run and jump from the hallway to remain safe from the scary gremlins that threatened her life.

Well don't worry, she was fine. Nothing 'now I lay me down to sleep' couldn't fix.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I still have it memorized. I mean she, she does.

The End.

8. Psalm 103

2011-05-08T23:08:00.000-07:00

I have had this Psalm playing on repeat all day today. My heart is content and full of trust for what God is doing. Hope this encourages you as it has been me.

Psalm 103

Of David.

1 Praise the LORD, my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
   and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The LORD works righteousness
   and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
   his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
   they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
   and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
   the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
   and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
   and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
   and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
   you mighty ones who do his bidding,
   who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
   you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
   everywhere in his dominion.

   Praise the LORD, my soul.

Amen.

7. More Than The Watchmen

2011-05-07T22:57:00.000-07:00

Pretty frustrated, last week the Internet was out and now my Mac laptop charger broke. I'm posting from my iPhone! It's a little difficult to be deep and creative this way but I will try my best. It's been an interesting week for sure but I've seen traces of God everywhere, even through this group of everydaymay bloggers. I still don't have a place to live lined up but there are a few things in the works. Waiting with eagerness for God to provide in His timing.

I had a thought for tonights blog but I feel I can't put what I want into it this way. But I will say that God is stirring me and putting thoughts/opportunities in my path that have REALLY got me thinking and I am trying not to get too excited!

Lord, bring the rain. I'll wait for you, more the watchmen wait for the morning.

6. The Reveal (of many things).

2011-05-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

I can't quite come up with a reason why it has taken me almost six days to blog about this. Maybe one part fear and one part insane fear of community. I was raised by an incredibly mother, and when I say incredible, I mean as good as they come. I have an incredible sister and grew up in an incredible church and have been in community my entire life. Big schools, big churches, big parties and plenty of socializing. But somewhere in the last 25 years I developed a fear of relying on other people to get things done and made it a priority to do everything, as much as I could, on my own. Granted there were times of desperation where I had to beg my parents for gas money or my roommates for milk, but even in those times of desperation a dark cloud of guilt would cover me and torment even the thought of asking anyone to help me. I suppose I have never really confessed this, which seems odd even to me (who declares everything loudly). If I borrowed something I would force myself to remember to give it back quickly. If I had to asked for a ride somewhere I would say thank you at least 16 times. When my dad and step mom helped me get on my feet financially my freshman year I cried. When my Grandma helped pay my last semester at school I cried. I put on this Stone Cold Steve Austin persona sometimes, and when my Grandma saw me cry she was shocked. She had never seen me cry. I also had never seen her cry until my Grandfather passed away. Wonder where I got it from... Every time my parents had to bail me out of a financial rut, they saw how much it tore me up to ask for help but they gave and continue to give graciously to the prodigal daughter. If you're smarter than me, you know it's an allusion. I'm a huge baby that hates people to know that. Maybe that's why asking people for things wears on me? It shows insuffiency and failure, two things perfectionists die grand deaths from.

The girl that hates to ask people for help put herself on the ledge of a very tall cliff three weeks ago. I woke up one morning and was stunned with a very clear decision that was made for me. It was less of a command and more of a certainty, the action of an event predestined for me. I was going to Kenya. With my church. In July. I had heard my bible study group talk about going for at least two months and continued to say I could never raise the funds or get the time off from work so I never bothered with even thinking about it. That is why waking up that morning with the imparted knowledge that I was going was kind of ~~shocking~~ terrifying. I have never had to raise support for anything of this magnitude and to be honest, relying on community is scaring the tar out of me. Yes, tar. They still say that, right?

I sent my support letters out on Monday and said a prayer over each envelope and begged the Master Mathematician to calculate what He needed for the trip because clearly it was Him going ~~with~~ through me. I have a love hate relationship with the word trust and know God loves when we get to grapple with my issues on it as he has brought on a season to hone the skill. I just told Him that He brought this upon himself and I am halfway laughing and halfway waiting for the impending lightning strike of death to come upon me.

Oh, about the trip! I am going with my church, Crossroads Christian Church in Corona, CA. The trip is two weeks, July 22nd - August 3rd. There is a group of 40 of us going and our team will be working with the children and teachers at Kiamaiko Elementary School in the Mathare Valley of Nairobi, providing medical care/supplies to families and visiting the junior high students and teachers at the boarding school of Joska. I will have a part in doing VBS doing music, games and crafts. Other than the work we will be doing while in Kenya, the biggest and most important ~~task~~ joy we have is to display the love of God and share the Good News of what Christ lived and died for. I have to raise $3,650 (eeps!) to be able to go and the money pays for air travel abroad, surface travel abroad, supplies, visa, taxes, meals and lodging for two weeks.

Here is the scary part - I need your help. Prayer is the biggest need, of course. Praying against the enemy's will against this trip, praying for funds for the entire team, praying for health, praying for emotional and spiritual growth, and praying most of all for His name and His glory to be known, sought after, proclaimed and loved. Also by giving (gulp). There are a few ways to give if you are financially able. I can send you a letter or email you instructions on how to give online (minimum of $100 for online donations - don't ask me why.) Would you prayerfully consider giving? I will prayerfully ask God to move hearts that He wants to have partner with me and this trip and call them to give, to call you to give.

So, here we go, Lord. Here's to trust, community, and a new season. I will hold onto this one too.

5. Holding Onto This One

2011-05-05T23:26:00.000-07:00

There are few things that can change my mind. I tend to be a pretty strong willed individual (understatement) and actually grew up hating that about myself. I would tell myself I am too strong or too much and pretended to be the thing you would love. The older I've become the more I have learned to embrace the skin I'm in and beg God to mold what doesn't please him. But seriously, few things can change my mind. If I want to go shopping (rarely), I get what I want. I get out of the store in 2.5 minutes too. If I want a pizza, I'll get it. I will drive to Newport just for a Sprinkles cupcake. If you haven't had one, you should. So all of this sounds like self pleasing garbage, and I guess it is to an extent it is but the other half of it is a fierce determination to complete what I set my mind on. This has happened with school, singing, jobs, you name it. When I want something, I bang on Heaven's doors and ask God to move and I put so much of my strength in doing my part to make sure it happens. I realize in the process I may drive God a bit insane (refer to parents or past employers for confirmation) but the season of petition is one of closeness and learning.

None of this really had to do with anything other than the fact that somehow, someway, my mind was changed about something. Something I said I would never do.

I just got back from my college choir and orchestra command performance. Each year the school holds an alumni concert and invites old members to join in with all the repertoire we sang. When I was in the choir and orchestra (3 years) I could not wait to get out. Not that it was horrible, but that it got old. And I was too old. I was ready to move on and go on to the next thing. And while being done with school has been an incredible thing, somehow I ache to be back in the choir. I sat there and listened to the first half in awe at what the music tells of and that I was surrounded by not just incredible musicians, but incredible people. I was constantly challenged, musically, spiritually, personally and after a year away from it I realized I don't and likely will not ever have anything that quite compares to it. I said to myself I doubt I will ever miss this and this place is just not for me anymore but I was wrong, and I miss it. My mind has been changed and I feel as if I am not even the one responsible for the change.

I'm learning how important seasons are and learning to love even the ones that may not be my favorite, or the ones that scare me. I tell myself someday I will look back to the songs, to the music and remember the melody that spoke of greatness that lies in wait, for future revelation.

So here's to the music in your season, in every season, I'm holding onto this one.

4. And He Makes My Heart Race

2011-05-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

There are a few things that make my heart race and I would like to share them with you today. Some part of me believes that they are significant indicators of something bigger, and the other part of me wonders not and lets them be. Either way, the emotion, the elation I feel during these is like nothing else in this world.

It happened today. I was listening to my Glee pandora station, while Mercedes was ripping apart the song "I bust the windows out ya car". The girl kills that song and I started imaging myself singing it and while I doubt I can sing that song quite as well as she can, my heart started to race.

It happened a few weeks ago. I was asked to share my story at choir and I started to sweat. It was like the scene in Superstar where Mary Katherine Gallagher says, "sometimes, when I get nervous I stick my hands under my armpits and smell them like this!" So I stood up there and shared what I had to share about who God was to me and the pit He has taken me out of and my heart raced.

I remember the first time it happened... Not sure I can ever forget it. I was at the Deeper Still conference that Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer and Kay Arthur hold. Travis and his band were leading some of the best worship music you will ever hear and my heart started to race. The thought was something like this, in no real order.

Travel.

Sing.

Minister.

Write.

Teach?

Counsel.

Women's hearts.

Girl's hearts.

Husband leads men.

I have no idea if those were real visions, whispers of God's calling, or just my heart sharing what it loves, but this I know is true: whatever I do, or wherever I go, I finally don't care what really happens.

God is enough. He is my portion. And He makes my heart race.

3. If I Were a Melody

2011-05-03T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take you all on a journey tonight. Don't worry. just a short journey through what I would sound like if I were a melody. Do yourself a favor and scroll down to the player and push play. You would also do yourself a favor to listen to the entire song, it's pretty amazing.

There's a scene in one of my favorite movies that reminds me of this. It is where tonight's inspiration came from. Have you seen The Holiday? Do yourself another favor and go rent it. But the scene is between Iris (Kate Winslet), the brave woman from Surrey, England who travels to L.A. to spend her holiday getting over someone, and Myles (Jack Black), the struggling musician who is always the nice guy, and they have this cute little friendship. The scene I am referring to is where Myles is composing a song for the character Arthur to walk into a celebration event of his career achievements. Myles starts playing a melody for the event and Iris says, "that sounds like him!" Myles responds, "I also wrote one that sounds like you... Iris if you were a melody... I used only the good notes." OH GOSH! Gets me every time.

So, friends, I am deeming myself worthy of the melody you are listening to as mine. Me. Rissa. I am not sure how it came to be, if I chose it or it chose me, I guess it will forever remain a mystery. No I never did well at writing poems, but that rhyme was sick! So I listened to it about 67 times, c~~ried a little,~~ and then shared it with my mom. Of course that's the expected action, tell your mother!

My text said, "I found it!"

Mom, "Found what?"

"The song I will meet my groom at the altar with!"

"Awwww!"

Shared the link with her and said, "Headphones, stat!"

Mom replies, "EPIC!" "Got teary!" "So perfect!" (Did my mom just say epic?)

There you have it folks. The song that is me, if I were a melody.

2. Better Days

2011-05-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

Well I have absolutely nothing in me right now. I have spent the last hour chatting with AT&T while my internet router decides to turn off. And while I had this grand idea of writing about something awesome, it is just not coming. I hesitate sharing what I really feel most days because I realize most people don't like hearing someone who is down. And there's one of my main flaws. I will always care more than I should at how others view me. And why am I always down? It's a condition. Not sure what to call it but I am prone to despair. I take one worry and create a catastrophe. Right now the worry is I have no where to live come June 1. I have had countless opportunities for living arrangements fall through and it is beginning to ware on me. Each new opportunity came with it excitement and faith that God was going to provide, and each crash has robbed me of that faith I swore was unshakeable.

So I am worried.

If I know God like I think I do He has something planned last minute.

Why does he always do that?

I guess I will take advantage of this blogging community and ask if you know of anywhere a girl can rent a room for cheap? Or girls that are looking to find a place?

I'm sorry but that's all I've got and even I am disappointed in me. Better posts to come on better days.

1. Burdened

2011-05-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

It's easy to be isn't it? It's easy to get down about tragedy. Obviously the horror in Japan, and recently in Alabama. I just had a deep conversation with a guy I used to know who got his girlfriend pregnant and she chose to abort. A few days ago my mom had surgery and was given pain killers to help and when the pills were gone she was in more pain from the drug withdraw. One of my very best friends had to go through chemo to remove a molar pregnancy that could have threatened her life. The list goes on.

This morning in church I got on a rabbit trail thinking after my pastor mentioned God does not always cause things, but allows them. And as hard as it is for me to grasp that, I must trust Him; it grows my faith. We know He allowed His Son to die. We know He allows every tragedy to happen. We also know that He stops tragedy from happening. But I can't help but feel the weight of them. And then I remember I am made in His image. The pain we feel is just a shadow, a degree of what God must feel.

So we go on trusting that God will work the tragedy in Japan for good. We go on trusting those in Alabama find healing on every level. We pray that God can open the eyes of the world we live in that when we abort an "inconvenience" we end life. We thank God that someday there will be no more weeping and no more pain, emotional and physical. We thank God that He allows pain to give us strength. And sometimes new life springs from that season of suffering. We praise Him that He completes every good work. We praise Him that He teaches us to persevere, so that we are complete, lacking nothing.

This month I am writing one post every day. Today I chose to be me, to be real and share what was on my heart. I am sure there will be good days, and some bad but today my heart is heavy but also glad that I am never alone. And that in the end God has everything in His hands. He counts our tears and knows our names. He is the one who deserves our focus and puts everything in perspective. Thank you, Abba.

Ridiculous Comparisons

2011-04-08T15:33:00.000-07:00

The future can be a scary thing, with a skewed perspective. I think a lot about what my future might be. I look up to certain individuals and wonder if my fate will resemble theirs. I compare strengths and life stories and think I may fit somewhere in between shocking and covered in God's grace. I do that comparing thing a lot and tend to find myself feeling like I shouldn't. Last October I went to the Captivating women's retreat and had the chance to talk life with a wonderful older woman. Of course my problems outweighed hers and we came to the topic of marriage. I told her most of the responses I get to being single for so long are: "God will only bless me when I am content", or that "maybe I am called to be a Paul." I will never forget how she responded, even as simple as it was, it stunned me. She said we can't all be Pauls and I couldn't even begin to think that was my lot. That maybe, if I was called to be a Paul, I would already know it by now and have that alien gift of solitude.

Last night at choir rehearsal I shared my testimony. ~~It was awesome~~. It was terrifying. Granted the room was no more than 30, I shook my way through 10 minutes of awkward chatter and staring at the ground. I laugh about it today and think maybe I was so nervous because I had this notion that since I look up to and compare myself to other speakers, that I am going to stand up there and be this incredibly gifted one as well. Ridiculous! Well needless to say, Glory be to God to take a life like mine and use it because speaking, as of now, is not my gift. Maybe I could be a writer? A counselor? Or a singer? Maybe a mom? Or maybe a missionary? Who knows. On to the next thing.

Which brings me to my next thought...

Africa.

:)

The Next Thing

2011-04-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hmm what to write about. I am prideful. I start this post hoping that when you read it it's not that boring blog post that you read and wonder where 5 minutes of your life went. So I actually sat here for a few minutes pondering ideas to lure you in to make you think I was awesome. ~~I rule.~~ I'm retarded.

But in all honesty I struggle a lot with that. There is a line between creativity and perfectionism that becomes my enemy (almost all of the time). I haven't been able to write in a while and I usually know why it happens. I lose my heart and I stop fighting for it. I internally reject deep desires in my heart and convince myself that I don't matter. And in that process of losing my heart I lose who God made me to be. I lose creativity, I lose inspiration, I lose conviction, I lose heart. And most of all I become spiritually lonely. My pastor this last week spoke on how sin creates the feeling that we are separated from God, but in reality God never leaves us. Such a strong reminder that we are never alone.

This last weekend I was at the Beth Moore, Living Proof conference in Fresno. I always get ridiculously excited to come to these. Her speaking reaches deep places in my heart and the music is finally loud enough that I can sing and not distract anyone (I hope). My soul still really yearns to be a part of something musically like that so naturally during these conferences I dream and I hope and I let myself think maybe someday I will. But what I really am living on this week is how God spoke to me. Her messages were centralized on the in between, or the waiting seasons, where we aren't experiencing God's rain (blessing). She used James 5 where the farmer waits for the rain and gave some pretty powerful points on what to do or how to react during those times. One of them was to go look for your heart where you lost it. And while I try to pretend I don't know where I lost mine, I do. So I'm returning to the drawing (writing) board in hopes that I can revive myself. She also shared part of her testimony where she knew at a young age that God had called her to a vocational ministry but she had no idea what it was. So she spent years doing different things trying to figure out what "it" was and serve God with purpose. Cracked up when she said she lead a Christian aerobics class and had all the get up you imagine the 80's to have. She spent different seasons doing different things all in the name of trying to figure it out until someone mentioned speaking to her. I listened to her in awe because I see who she is now and how incredible her ministry is, but she spent years not knowing what it was and searching diligently for it. One part was curiosity why God didn't tell her sooner, and one part was encouragement that maybe, just maybe you aren't supposed to know yet. She said just do the next thing. Go on to the next thing. And I sat there and wondered why in the world I work this job, or live at this place, and I worry I am not doing enough or that I haven't found it yet, and I think somehow I am not doing all that I could or should for God. I worry that I am not in the right place, not serving enough, not doing enough and this weekend was an absolute blessing even if all she said were those 5 words.

Just do the next thing.

I'd been seriously thinking about moving to a different country for 2 years to serve God, or moving back home, or the next thing. Trying to find this huge revelation that this is it! That somehow this next thing will be it maybe for just a period, or maybe forever. I would compare myself to other Christian's who are doing "more" or are reaching more souls and I feel this inadequacy and I don't think it's legitimate, or Godly. We (I) somehow think we are bigger than God's ability to move or use us. And maybe we will never know why we sold toilets for X amount of time until God revealed the next thing. And in the future when we are doing the thing we believe in our marrow that we were created to do on this earth we may look back and wonder what the purpose of any of it was, but will it matter then? I have some wild fascination and mystery with how God works and I think I love it. Takes less out of my control, even if it is my thoughts.

So for the first time, in a long time, I feel like me. I have absolute trust that God will provide for me. If it's the next job, or the next house, or the next whatever. I have had my hope renewed and my heart is glad. God you are so good. Thank you.

Estrogen, you life ruiner.

2011-02-08T22:43:00.000-08:00

Estrogen, I hate you. You life ruiner. You ruin lives! Most days you make life so miserable that if you were not the main component of being a woman, I would fire you. I don't understand how you make me so happy one moment, and the next miserable. And what about the irregularities? Why can't we ever make up our minds? I personally don't think you ever know what you want and I loathe you for it.

It's hard being a woman! Do you hear me? Yeah, you. You think you are happy, you woman. Wait until tomorrow. And you, MAN. MAN! You reading this. Don't get me started with your positivity and ego. And your beautiful, strong b... No! You try a tablespoon of estrogen and you'll be crying. Literally. Because it's a proven side effect of being a woman. Weeping and fluffy stuff and puppies and hallmark movies that you don't admit to watching. You cry at EVERYTHING!

Care to know where this anger comes from? Because I'm HAPPY. I'm HAPPY and I was MISERABLE this morning. WHAT THE @2343@#$@#$*(*&6. Expletives!

Estrogen, get your act together.

Remember

2011-02-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

I was just sitting in my living room ~~feeling sorry for myself~~ thinking of how blessed I was when He whispered to me this blog topic. It is so important to me to be near a computer when an idea hits because if I fail to seize it at it's inception, it will never appear anywhere but in my dreams. I was actually looking at my furniture, sulking in the fact that I was alone and there was no one to sit on my lovely green sofa with me when I remembered. I remembered how my roommates came together at the last minute. I remember how my job came through at the perfect moment. I remember how moving here and graduating and having funds to pay for school came in and told stories of His perfect love and of course His perfect timing. But it is so easy to forget. It is too easy to wander. Then it started playing.

O to grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.

It's sad to say but wandering is far too easy for me. So is double mindedness. I forget how He came through for me. I forget how He provides. I forget how He whispers His love over me. I sometimes even forget Him. I begin to feel as if He is not there for me and that I am forgotten. That I am last on His agenda for greatness and to be honest I don't feel as if I deserve to be on any agenda. You see, in my wandering life is all about me. About my misfortune and how unfaithful I am. I tend to focus more on my lack than on His love.

And then He tells us to remember. He remembers we are from dust and knows wandering comes easy so He tells us to remember.

So my spirit grows faint within me;

my heart within me is dismayed.

I remember the days of long ago;

I meditate on all your works

and consider what your hands have done.

I spread out my hands to you;

I thirst for you like a parched land. Ps 143:4-6

...

Glorious and majestic are his deeds,

and his righteousness endures forever.

He has caused his wonders to be remembered;

the LORD is gracious and compassionate.

He provides food for those who fear him;

he remembers his covenant forever. Ps 111:3-5

...

Praise the LORD, my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, my soul,

and forget not all his benefits—

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

The LORD works righteousness

and justice for all the oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses,

his deeds to the people of Israel:

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,

he remembers that we are dust.

The life of mortals is like grass,

they flourish like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone,

and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting

the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,

and his righteousness with their children’s children—

with those who keep his covenant

and remember to obey his precepts.

The LORD has established his throne in heaven,

and his kingdom rules over all.

Praise the LORD, you his angels,

you mighty ones who do his bidding,

who obey his word.

Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,

you his servants who do his will.

Praise the LORD, all his works

everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the LORD, my soul. Psalm 103.

He knows we forget. He knows we are from dust. He knows that we wander, and yet His love abounds. He teaches us to remember what He does so that we wander less. That our faith abounds.

Never forget what He does. Remember.

28

2011-01-05T18:49:00.000-08:00

Can't say I know where I have gone but I think I miss me. That sounds absurd. I just read a few old posts of mine and I like her so much. She's witty (rarely) and honest (always) but she tunes into her heart and more into what God whispers to her. But somewhere in the deep something has gone cold and I feel a bit lost. I guess this season has a part to do with it. The wonder of "what am I doing?" not having an answer seems to drag on me. I had this conversation with a friend a few days ago and I think I would like to be 28. Yeah, 28 sounds good. 28 has this sense of assurance in who you are and where you are headed. 28 mocks 25 because she is secretly afraid of 30 and needs a bit of room to brag. I sound insane, and I think I am.

Well, that's it.

What Gets Us Through

2010-12-28T14:26:00.001-08:00

This is a post I wrote for work, enjoy.

The holiday season seems to add an extra element around any e-commerce company and I know for us in customer service, we have had a larger volume of calls and inquiries gearing up for Thanksgiving and Christmas renovations. For the most part, customers will call us in a holiday rush to avoid their in-laws complaints at an incomplete remodel. Whether you are remodeling, giving a gift or doing this for yourself, the holiday season seems to be the best and busiest time of year for business.

Here are a few heartfelt stories that make business worth the long hours, the high wait times, and the unhappy customers due to their in-laws irritation to an unfinished remodel.

I first received his email asking when he would receive the order. It seemed nothing out of the ordinary as I looked up his information and was able to let him know that we were sorry, but his order was not going to be available for a month or so. Something we sometimes cannot control, but sympathize with especially during this season. I responded with a quick explanation and sent it on it’s way. Later during the day I received a voice mail from someone who sounded concerned. He told us his name and his inquiry and I quickly recognized that it was the issue I had emailed earlier. His message stated he was being deployed soon and the bag was for his gear that would go with him. Because the order was delayed, he let us know that he had to cancel the order as he would be deployed. Our business is only to accommodate a customers needs, and while answering questions about toilets can become mundane, every once and a while you get a call like this and remember that what we offer is much more than just a bag. What that bag purposes for the soldier makes doing business a pleasure.

The next call was from a sweet old lady asking about a chalk board. I was surprised by the inquiry because most of our business comes from plumbing needs. I did a search and found that we did have a chalk board. As we continued talking, she told me it was for a Christmas present for her granddaughter and I could not help but tell her how sweet it was. I told her a story of a little girl that wanted a chalk board for Christmas and her parents got one with colored chalk and she was so excited. So excited that she found the secret place her parents kept everything hidden and opened it early. 15 years later and I still love chalk boards so I told her if I was that little girl again I would want some colored chalk to go with it. She thought it was a great idea and confessed she did not think to buy anything but the chalk board. I was able to find her colored and white chalk to go along with the board. Customer service can be hard, very hard. And some days it is so easy to forget there are people with stories waiting to be told. It was such a joy to assist her with the type of customer service that goes beyond what is required realizing Christmas morning there will be a young girl opening up her Christmas presents to play with that chalk board pretending to be a teacher or a doctor. And maybe, just maybe she will be and she is what helped me get through my day; what makes us all get through.

Rain's Memories, Personalities and all the other E's Inbetweens

2010-11-20T13:57:00.001-08:00

I am sitting wrapped in blankets so I can have my balcony door open. It is cold and wet outside so the sound of the rain is an exciting and mysterious feeling. Just like smells and music can jog your memory, so weather can do for me. I have this conflict of emotion every time it rains. Half of me remembers a bitter past and the other half loves the seclusivity of it. I am an introvert on most days and most days I love to recharge alone. When I am in public or with those closest to me, you would think me an extrovert. But rain allows the hiding my soul craves. It enforces staying inside, hiding in baggy warm clothing, bundling up your arms and your heart in shelter of the rain. Rain can be taken few ways and for me rain resembles God's downpour of blessing AND seasons of hiding. The seasons in my life of hiding I can say they needed to happen to get me where I am now, so in a sense I acknowledge it with thankfulness. But the skeletons never leave the memory and I am in the limbo that emotion seems to always affect.

The seasons of God's downpour are like how the rain covers the ground. I searched scripture for the word rain and it is unavoidable to see the imagery.

"I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees their fruit." Leviticus 26:4

"Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants." Dueteronomy 32:2

"May he be like rain falling on a mown field, like showers watering the earth." Psalm 72:6

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:9-11

"Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.” Hosea 6:3

"He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy." Acts 14:17

"Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains." James 5:7

I guess now the question to ask is what is the rain today?

Looks like you'll have to keep reading :)

Dreams and Transparency

2010-11-20T13:34:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid a few recurring nightmares that haunted me. When I think of it as an adult I recognize it as evil and am astonished of how weird it was in its detail. Do you know those movies where the main character has the same recurring dream and they wake up in a sweat generally at the same point in the dream? Well mine was the same way. On a side note I reference movies a lot. I think if my life were a movie it would be entertaining to say the least.

The first one I can recall is an image of skeleton bones, whiter than white. Or maybe they were so white when surrounded in darkness. The image would stare at me for as long as I would let it and then as if on queue the image would shake in appearance and I would come out of my nightmare in a jolted state of panic. Shaken exactly as the image shook in my dream.

The second was surrounded in darkness also, but this time it is more than one image. This time I am in my living room and the doorbell rings. My vision gravitates to the door and I somehow float in the same instance to open it. On the other side of the door is my scottish terrier dog (depicted as evil in one of my last posts). I stand there in this catatonic stance and she is not just a dog, but a floating head so large that it fills my view. But the scary thing is that her blood red eyes and fangs are creeping closer to me until I cannot hold its gaze and I wake up in a sweat.

I had another recurring nightmare but all I remember is that some sort of massive monster is terrorizing my city and I am running away from it, but it never ends well. I wake up and feel this deep sadness that everything is ruined, but it was just a dream.

Have you ever stopped to really think of how wild and amazing it is that we dream? What is a dream anyway? Websters defines it as a series of mental and emotional images. But we know it only when we can remember them, but why do we rarely remember them? Is there profound meaning in some dreams? Clearly my nightmares did not have meaning, but represented a scared little girl. And it is clear that to this day I still remember those few.

Next to dreams of flying and dreams of having the courage to win the cute guy over, most of them are a mystery. Dreams have the power to ignite an emotion that you did not have the day before. You know what I mean. You dream of that one person and you wake up missing them or feeling connected to them. Or you thought you were past a situation, and it replays in your dream and come to wake up you find yourself replaying old memories. Or you get really skilled and realize as you are dreaming that you are dreaming, and you tell those around you (in the dream) that it's only a dream. And you take off flying because that's what you always want to do in dreams. At least I did.

And think about how incredible it is that God gifted Joseph as a dream interpreter and was called among by a great King to show meaning. Our minds are this insanely brilliant machine that even when we are asleep, still keeps processing information and emotion. And in my case has been processing the same dream over and over, but this time it is not a nightmare, but the best dream I have ever had.

It's him, and I have waited for him for so long. It is my wedding day, and I am in white.

I look beautiful. I look really beautiful.

And everything is perfect. All of the preparation, waiting, perseverance, all make sense and God is there. It's God I have been dreaming of. My husband is my covering, the image bearer of the masculine heart of God.

Here is how I show transparency: I want to be a wife. It is the desire of my heart, and I will not bury it any more. Lord, captivate me forever and ground me in your love until you release me to the man you have for me. I pray that you are growing him as you would have him be and in the ways he wants to grow. I pray that you keep him safe and strong and unsettled in his life until he finds me. Just as everything you created was not good until you formed Eve, may it be the same for us.

What if?

2010-11-18T21:30:00.000-08:00

What if the world revolved around asking what ifs?

What if I had enough money to be debt free? Then would I stop worrying about being provided for?

What if I finally met someone? Would that be the end to loneliness?

What if I finally realized my worth? Would I finally be happy?

What's strange is I ask these questions on a daily basis and I know the ultimate truth is generally no. There is never enough of anything, and if there was, we are prone to wander our thoughts, desires, needs. And I am writing this in hopes that the more I teach myself to dwell on truth and righteousness, the more frequent the days are that I live freely. So tonight I have no complaints as I have every thing I need. I am sitting in a bed using a laptop sheltered in a nice apartment. I had a meal, went for a walk, and had the company of my roommate. While it would be easy for me to focus on what I do not have, right now I am happy for what I do have.

Thank you, Lord.

These are my memories, this is my life.

2010-11-17T22:13:00.001-08:00

I am starting to love the "New Post" button in a creative and frightening way. I took the easy route tonight and asked a friend what I should write on. "Childhood memories" she decided and as I drove home from church I rummaged through the dusty files that I claim. It is hard for me to unpack the good writes because underneath the smile I struggle wildly to remember the good. Now to give credit to my past, it wasn't all bad. I realize I am prone to over play even small details because in my eyes, everything is important and loud and big and fast.

So I started remembering and I replayed embarrassing moments and funny ones too. Files started unlocking one after the other as I forced myself to remember the good. I pulled up some funny moments where my sister and I would sit on the edge of the Costco shopping cart and ditch our parents when they weren't looking. Or the time at Christmas when I got pink flamingo slippers that for some reason I loved to kick my stout-snappy-scottish dog in the face. She deserved it; she was evil. Or how much we hated our neighbors because they had chickens in their backyard and an army of white cats who racially oppressed our black cat. So get this we would launch dog poop from a shovel onto the side of their house. Or when I learned of my OCD tendencies and I would vacuum the carpet with perfect lines and my older and spineless sister would walk all over it. ON PURPOSE. (She still does this).

I remembered the love we had too. My love for movies started young as we would rent a VHS tape (Be Kind Please Rewind) and pop popcorn in our air popcorn machine. Fridays my dad would cook tri-tip like a chef and homemade salsa from tomatoes in the backyard. Or we would blast Lionel Richie tunes as loud as our fancy stereo system would allow. We would play badminton and cards - just the four of us. Back when playing outside was cool and you actually knew your neighbors to borrow sugar. We would play cops and robbers until the sun set and rollerblade while leashed to your dog who didn't obey any command we gave to stop.

I remembered the hard times when Grandma got sick and went to be with Jesus. Mom had major surgery too and we were scared for her health. Dad got tired of struggling with life and he left to try and make things better for everyone, but we loved him anyway and either way. Sister had her heart broken worse than any young heart should but she taught us all how to keep forgiving. One by one the hurts continued to pile up and I mentally checked out.

But mom knew me better than I knew myself and taught me to not hold anything in. She termed the phrase "unstacking" to this day where I emotionally unload everything I am feeling and I turn into a different/happier person afterwards. I grew up not really knowing who I was or who I should be and then I found Jesus seriously at 21 and was radically transformed but yet radically stubborn to let go of it all.

I started this blog with the intention of telling one story that would leave you laughing or entertained, but as I wrote the blog created itself and I have to leave it as it is. I hate that I know my mom is crying because she is always the first to read my writing, and my sister too sitting in the other room from my mom will read it 5 minutes later and laugh hard at the insanity of throwing dog poop and cry that I noticed her pain even when I was so much younger than her. I know my dad will feel the sting of guilt creep in and deal him a new wound, and I tell you again that I love all of you, equally, because God is our prize. We are released from the hurt.

Tonight at church I caught myself day dreaming to what I normally daydream about when I tuned into the scripture being read. I heard it with dull sound as I came out of my imagination and heard... we press on toward the goal to win the prize. He is our prize. And I internally praised God for His timing and released all of my cares because He is our prize. He is our goal. He is our end-all be-all touchdown baby lottery-freakin-prize. And I don't have to continue worrying about my past, my present, my future, because He is my goal and He is already mine. And I am free to be me, the writer on the other end of the screen unstacking and expressing herself and who she is.

These are my memories, this is my life.

On Church

2010-11-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

The more I write the more I realize I have to be okay with writing something that may not "wow" you or try to make me look a certain way to you, be it good or bad. And if the purpose of writing discipline is writing on the every day, then here is what has been on my mind.

I grew up in a huge church and never knew anything different. I went there because my parents did, my friends did, and I loved it. We all grew up together and we had this constant sense of community and family. Well when I moved to college I struggled to find that same sense of belonging and found myself hopping from church to church, all while struggling to find who I was. Each time I found or joined a new church I found myself wondering why I didn't feel that belonging. Was it me? Was it them? And I would continue to ask these questions until I fell away from God or fell away from going altogether. This happened for almost three years while I had been living here on my own until I found my current church. I told myself this is the one! As if a church and I could be bound as lovers, I joined by membership dinner, got involved in music, and tithed like a good girl.

And then the bug crept in. Why don't I feel like I belong? Is it me? Is it them? Why are these relationships staying as acquaintances? Why do I hear so much about community and family and never feel like I am a part of it? And I continue to ask the questions I have wondered all along.

What is the right church? How do you choose a church? If two churches are equally sound in their doctrine, which one fits? Will God divinely show me, or do I pick like I pick which outfit to wear? Surely nothing is too hard for God of course, but what am I missing? And so I lined up my schedule with commitments that I dreamed of making at the dream church and I signed up for what the good church member should sign up for, and as each event that passes I leave asking the same question.. What am I missing? I know God is good and life is tedious but I know He cares.

I will admit to you my pride in this. I feel stupid for thinking the next church will do it for me. I am ashamed that I hop so much only to satisfy my need for belonging. So here I admit that I am asking the same questions and thinking the next church will be the one.

What do you think? How do you choose a church?

This Is How You Know

2010-11-15T12:24:00.001-08:00

I think a lot. And when I think a lot I generally can't stop the paper trail my thoughts go. Some creative, some destructive, some hopeful. I was driving yesterday from seeing my family back to my home and I came to the conclusion that most of my writing is either super serious or some sort of instruction that I felt lead to write on. And that is just not all of who I am. I am not sure why but when I start writing I am lead to lay out all that I am going through, and it tends to be the hard times. However there are so many good times too but I generally find myself just enjoying the moment and I forget to stop and write about it. So when I say I think a lot, I really do. Who writes an analytic blog on why they do what they do?

I figure some where along the line of figuring out that I loved to write I started noticing how I knew writing was my "gift" or outlet. And this is how you know.

I am driving and a phrase in a song catches me and before I can even take a breath the idea has constructed itself into a sentence. All on it's own.

God whispers something to me and at the same moment I smile I see the sentence in it's form.

At church I will be so convicted by something that an entire topic has formed in my mind and I know I have to write about it.

While I am sitting checking Twitter I notice that my thoughts never stop being constructed this way - inspiration to word form - and I notice that this is how you know.

This is how you know you are to write. This is how I know I am to write. My brain processes in word form, topic form, thought provoking text. Something happens when my hands hit paper (or keyboard) and I enter into this place of all-is-well-with-the-world and the sentences go together with the paragraphs and the transitions (usually) just react to each other.

And this happens as often as I notice it and most of the time I never stop to release it. I have no idea why. Busyness? Fear? Apathy?

Yesterday I went to my home church with my family and the message was on spiritual gifts and talents. A talent is something you are born with and for me it was the ability to sing. Whether I am an amateur or a professional, I was given the ability to feel and hear the music in my head and match pitch, know the chord structure without any training. Now, I believe this is a gift God gave me, but this gift did not come at the moment of my salvation, thus why it is called a talent.

A gift is considered something you receive at the time of salvation. Every person who accepts Christ is given something to benefit the body, to resemble a holy union in the image of our creator. And while I have taken the spiritual gifts assessment test and was told how that looks in my life, I am still left wondering what of writing?

Writing can be exorting, teaching, merciful, discerning and so many things that agree with spiritual gifting. And what is even more fascinating is I can pinpoint the moment I discovered this gift. In school I never did well on papers or writing. Until I started hearing God ask me do small things here or there by writing. The first thing I did (this sounds comical) is I wrote a letter to every person on my Myspace list with an encouragement. It was insane when I think that I hardly knew a Myspace friend (comical) but I did it anyway. The second thing I remember was I was in my college apartment my first year and I was hurting. I felt lonely and attacked and God gave me this idea to start writing about how I feel. Halfway through writing it out, each emotion I felt was counteracted by the Holy Spirit with truth. I would write how I felt and each thing I typed was a lie from the enemy that God counteracted only after the words left my fingers. It ended up on Myspace and I think later onto Facebook and I remember people read it and somehow made sense to each reader. I got messages back from people I knew and some I did not all of which said the same thing to me. That they needed to read it, that God touched them in that, that they indeed have felt the same way. And God opened the flood gates of writing for me.

I have tried to find that very first post but it was before blogging was popular and it must be lost in the internet somewhere. I would love to see who that girl was and compare her to how God has shaped me now. But that was how I knew and how I still know. There is something spiritually affirming when I notice how words beg to be expressed by writing, sometimes begging so much that I loose sleep. God is so mysteriously beyond me in the way he chooses to shape and use us. But this is how you know.

So what is your gift?

My handsome Groom

2010-11-14T21:27:00.000-08:00

I normally write in a way that seems penetrative and honest, yet I still manage to keep a safe distance between you and my heart. But not tonight. Tonight this comes straight from there as a prayer. This is who Jesus is to me. My handsome Groom.

I remember the night you redeemed me. I didn't talk to you often and I denied you more than I'd like to admit. You were always there in the important things growing up, and even in the times that I didn't feel you, you still guided me. You provided in huge ways and small ones too and I remember thinking you were always good but always too big for a girl like me. So I did what I was told (most of the time) and went to church like my friends did. But somewhere in the mess of sin I chose to run from you in an attempt to control any thing I could. To maintain who I was, who I thought I was, and create a safe barrier for myself. And in that place with my heart locked away I found other lovers who suited me and I told myself you were not there, and you never were. Because if you loved me, you wouldn't leave me in my despair. I remember trying to see you or think of you in the haze, but the fog was too thick. I was stuck, drowning, dying with every day that passed. I had no joy. I stopped singing to you. I stopped singing completely. I manifested some sort of false happiness and told myself this was as good as it was going to get. It was as good as I would ever deserve. I think I started hating you. I was still somehow trying to deny you and hate you at the same time. How could I be so confused?

There are no words I can speak of that amount to the sadness and remorse of who I was as your daughter and the things I did those years. Even as I try to recall them it is as if remembering watching a movie late at night. You know those nights where you are so tired but you want to finish the film? Well this movie was years ago and I barely remember it. But I remember the night you redeemed me.

It was late, or maybe it wasn't. But it was dark. I came into the living room and couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating so violently that I could (should) have passed out. I got my mom to come out to the living room where I was in a panic and I muttered the words from my despair. I told her of the decision I made that didn't even really feel like it was me who had done the Deciding. She said things to me that I don't remember still and then she prayed to you. I walked down the hallway and I fell. No. I was pushed. You remember this because you picked me up and helped me walk. And in the hours of the night you came to me. You came with your sword and your shield and you fought for me. You fought over me. I remember the terror I felt but I did not perish because you were there. The darkness was thick but it had no power over me. I never knew that amount of pain before that night.

When I woke up I couldn't believe I was alive. And I woke up for what felt like the first time in years. I could see and I saw the sky and I saw my mom and I could breathe. I breathed for the first time, and I walked. And my legs hurt from walking and my lungs were sore but there was peace. There was this undoubted sense that you were mine and you loved me. And whatever I had done the night before was a door that you came swinging and barging in with all your glory and I could not stop you and I did not want to stop you. And you won the fight over me. You were my hero. My savior. I couldn't believe you fought for me, that I was worth it. I was worth something to you. I didn't understand how anyone would want to ransom me that way. But you did.

You taught me how to walk all on your own. I had no one but you and I loved it. I was still so sore from the years of running from you but every time I thought I couldn't go forward with you, you gave me pieces of your heart. The first thing you gave me was hope. HOPE. You told me you had a hope and a future for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. And hoping I did. And we kept moving forward. And you showed me all of who you were. You were my dad, you were my best friend. You were my confidant and my rescuer. You became so many things to me.

But the last thing you showed me of who you were was you were my lover.

My groom.

You were jealous over me and you loved me with an everlasting love. You loved me like a husband loves his wife. And you told me a husband is to love his wife like you love the church. And that someday you would come back for me as a bride adorned for a groom. And I knew you as my lover, my hero, my strong tower. You were all I needed and you are still all I need but you have been my lover because you know the desires of my heart. You gave them to me. You know that I want more than anything to be a bride, and to you, I am. You have drawn out this desire and not fulfilled it and it has grown our relationship and my love and respect for you. No matter how mysterious your ways are, I love them. And I love that you ask me to trust, even when it's hard. The lot you carried was hard, and you ask us to do the same.

Everything about you is handsome to me. I look at your life on earth and marvel at how you, in all your wisdom, would speak in parables to get us to understand. You were different, and you defied all expectations. You proved that you could not be put in a box or be limited by our knowledge. You showed us how to be by going first. You were corrective and you were generous. You were strong and you were loving. You fought the devil and you won. You showed us how to prioritize love by being love and giving love. You didn't just speak truth but you were truth. You are truth. You are everything I have ever dreamed of in a man. You are everything I dream to be as the feminine image bearer of your heart. And everything I pray that my future spouse will be, should you bless me that way.

You never cease in your love for me. And you go beyond me. You love everyone the same. And you teach us to follow you in that. You get me. You get me in a way that no one does. And no matter how much I fail, you still want me. You make life better because you make life less about me and more about you. You release me from my fears and remind me that it is not what we do but who you are shaping us to be. You make life easier because you have a plan so orchestrated even when my eyes can't see it, you are moving. You give me joy because you are joy and you live in me.

I love everything about you. But what I love most is you are handsome.

My handsome Groom.

Out Of Dust Comes True Beauty

2010-11-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

For Morganne

I was talking to my roommate this morning and I asked her what I should write on. If she named anything I would write about it. She said she wanted my take on real and true beauty. It was interesting because as she decided I was playing a song I have had on repeat all week called Beautiful Things by Gungor.

The lyrics are repetitive, but here they are.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll even find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

Writing about beauty is always hard for me because I have to face a truth that I am always reluctant to believe. But when I do it's like a vacation for my soul. I get to stop worrying and start being free to share my beauty with everyone. It's a scary place, but an important place.

I wrote that earlier this morning and while I was eating dinner I watched a sermon from Moment Church from Halloween and the pastor used the verse in Genesis where Adam and Eve were naked. What he said was how nakedness was right. There was nothing weird about being naked, it was a sign of being secure. I love how that started in the beginning because I see it translate into beauty. Nakedness and being exposed physically, a lot of people, a lot of women, are insanely insecure because of our size, or not being exactly how we deem perfect, or how the world deems attractive. And here Adam and Eve are naked and it is just how it is and they are secure. They can flourish in their love and in their beauty because that is how God intended it. Nakedness, intimacy, beauty. Real beauty is being secure.

We see God described with his splendor and beauty, and clearly that is not a physical attribute. Throughout the Old Testament whenever God came to His people He came through a bush, as a voice, in a dream, passing by a mountain. So clearly to think God's beauty was outer could not be completely true. And if we truly believe we are made in His image, we must have a truth to claim.

First, to understand true beauty, you must understand who True Beauty is. And believe what He says is beautiful. We have to believe that our beauty is not 100% defined by our time and age. We have to let our beauty be defined by the God who created it. There has to be a paradigm shift to the core of what beauty is. Beauty cannot only be external. Beauty is also internal. In 1 Peter he writes that we are to not let adorning be external (3:3, ESV). He tells us adorning is not putting something on or enhancing what we have but our adorning, or Greek decoration, is the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (3:4). Now I don't know how you grew up, but I always was taught this verse meant the women of the church were to be quiet and submissive, and that was our beauty. Oh how I love God revealing truth. So we are to decorate our inner person. How do we do that?

There is something that causes a disconnect between the truth of beauty not being more evident than it is designed. And I know why. Lucifer was the most beautiful Angel there was, and God set him apart as an overseer. I believe that when Satan and his army were cast away from God, and they saw how beautiful God created woman, our enemy set out to rob us of our beauty. Satan hates us and certainly hates our beauty. And he has done a great job convincing us that we are lacking. Well, for most of us. And for most of us the percentage that we feel beautiful is as few as seeing an eclipse. But glory to God that that is not the end, that God knows we are made from dust, and He rescues us, even from our disbelief. And also from our Enemy.

There have been only a handful of times where I remember the truth of beauty, and in that moment I am set free from the bondage of not being beautiful, and no matter what I thought I looked like 5 minutes before, I am stunning. I remember in those moments smiling because my Redeemer saw me and said how darling I was. It is in those moments where I am transparent, I am confident, I am fierce about the Gospel, I am Satan's biggest enemy and target. And I am the image bearer of a God whose beauty is far exceeding and far past my comprehension. Our beauty is the crown of creation and the world is not good with out it. I want to offer my beauty to the world, to you when you are hurting. To God because He delights in His creation, and I delight in Him.

I want to be clear that I am not forgetting outward beauty. But I believe outward beauty has to come second to our heart; our internal worth and image of God's beauty. The beauty that lives in the inner person. He lives in our heart. If our inner person is who she is to be, our outer person is that much more beautiful. And I am very much for making our outer appearance shine. I want it to reflect the heart! So put on your makeup and take your time. Wear the outfit you love, and forget about worrying you won't look beautiful. You already are, you were before you got ready. If your heart is taken care of, so is the rest.

And believe me this is a constant battle, and if I'm honest most days I don't care to fight for it or believe it because the enemy has apathy perfected. But I know this is something that has to be fought for, not just by women, but by men. By our heroes and those men we need to rescue us. I know that in the days I am determined to be beauty, true beauty, it is not something that just happens. It is something my mind is fixated on. I am ever present to scripture and truth of what God believes me to be. I know what I possess and I offer it to those around me. And I pray those days increase for you, and for me. May we learn to fight for ourselves, and to be our truest beauty. Transparent, free, and beautiful. The world needs it, beautiful.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103:13-14

Ashes and the Other Side

2010-10-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

What you are about to read comes from the depths of a girl's heart so wounded and so prideful. I do not want pity, and I do not want attention, I just want you to see God. Abba, may you be transparent through this. I am humbled to write these words, as the girl who always seemed to have it all together, who would minister to other people, this girl is fighting the pride to let you all know that I am the least of these qualified, and yet here I sit writing my story. Read on if will.

It is out of ashes that these words come. In the darkness, in total despair He is still with me yet while I stray. Yet while everything I touch crumbles. I settle for pain, for the worst without any cause or any purpose. Time separates the bond and time drawn further away elongates and worsens my state of mind. I have nothing yet I have everything. I have purpose yet I believe the lies and I become the lie. I search and demand the answers of why, why I let this happen and no answer can do it justice, do it any good. I cry and I plead and nothing changes. It it out of ashes that these words come and yet you find beauty, you find truth, but I find pain and wish I could loosen the chains that seem to never come off. You see a life that appears to be greener and I tell you that no grass is greener, but perhaps yours is, or perhaps you are not awake to your depravity as I am.

I confess to you all that I wrote that a few weeks ago in utter darkness, but could not let myself be exposed. I will tell you though God has not let me go. And I also confess to you all, whoever you are - I hope we know each other - that I am an addict. I am an addict to many things, but my biggest foe is the addiction to hate. I hate myself. I have become so used to saying bad things about myself that it has become first nature. While you may struggle with loving yourself in pride, I struggle with hating myself in pride, low pride. You see, when my daddy left our family I think I blamed myself. The typical scenario you hear of, the kids blame themselves, and I would think that couldn't possibly be me. And I stop here knowing that they will both read this and cry, but I tell you please don't. I have to speak of divorce, I have to. There is a girl or boy, man or woman who may need to hear this. Dad I forgive you, and mom it's not your fault, it never was. And it never was mine either, but a young girl doesn't know these things and so I figured I was the cause, not my mature big sis - who to this day never seems as troubled by it as I was (am). And so I blamed and punished myself, seemingly okay on the outside. I created barriers. There is this wall that is sometimes thick and sometimes thin that has served a good purpose for the last 9 years. Until my very existence was painful. Every relationship I had would crumble, usually my fault, and if it wasn't, then I was too wounded - even by the slightest mistake on their part. I would give into the high I got from punishing myself, who I was.

You are hideous, no wonder he would never take you back.

You gained the weight, it's your fault.

That's what you get for letting your guard down and letting a new man in.

You are not worth anything. You never have been.

No wonder all your friendships fail. Another plan cancelled, it must be me.

Does he see me? He must not.. they never do.

Another church, another beginning.. but no one sees me, I hate sitting alone but I refuse to talk to anyone.

And on it went. Some days would be better than others, and some not. God was with me in the darkness of course, He always is. But nothing seemed to change. It never will, I told myself.

I feel like I am the main character of a film who keeps moving from city to city hoping the next will be better to her. There is the typical plot in every film you love, but in mine, it never has a happy ending. Or maybe that's the self-loathe talking. But I hear of people sharing their grand story to redemption and I cry with them as they share what God did, and surely, God did for me also. But I am not a person of second chances, but five hundred chances. There is never a breaking point, where I cannot take any more, or bear the pain any longer, I have come to thrive in the darkness. It has been my identity. I was no longer who I hoped to be, but what I had been. And I was okay with that. I was too weak to change.

This morning I was drawn to a church in Irvine, CA called Moment Christian Church. I love my home church, and there has been so much joy there, but there I sat on a Saturday afternoon surfing the internet mindlessly and I come on this church's page. It meant nothing at the time, but I could not go on there rest of my day without thinking of going. I had no idea why. I woke up this morning and drive to get there, skin crawling at the idea of new people trying to talk to me, so I sit in the back corner. As I did I remembered a video I watched of this pastor talking about his second chance in a video where he came to his breaking point and went to a local church and said that if anything was going to happen, he was going to have to sit in the front row. I felt a bit foolish repeating this man's act, but there I went to the front. The service was dedicated to sharing his and his wife's story to redemption. And I cried with them, tears rolling down my face as I knew the Power of what God did. By the end I was thinking, that is so great for them! They must have so much blessing now! But before I could let that fester into bitterness, he started sharing more. He got real candid and shared how they still struggle. Their marriage, their personal lives. They did not want us all to hear their story and then think that was the end, the happily ever after. He used a phrase I cannot forget. When God gives you the miracle, you still have to seek the mission. Emphasis on the work seek. While they had their second chance, if they would not seek the mission, their lives and everything would be miserable.

And that was it. That was it. That was exactly it. I have spent the last five years wondering what it was that has stopped me from completely changing, as if it were possible. And that was it. God gives you the miracle, but if you don't keep seeking the mission, you will be miserable. And if you broke it down, I know in theory I have known this, but the Power of God's timing was perfect. I sat there having that "lightbulb moment". That time standing still while God reaches from His Heavenlies and grabs a sinful heart and speaks Life into it. As if we are ever close to being worthy of that, He does it.

The pastor shared from John 5 where the paralytic man has been stuck by a pool for 38 years. And Jesus sees him and asks him in verse six, "Do you want to be healed?" And we all think it must be an irrelevant question, but today God asked me in this new and random Church gathering if I wanted to be healed. And I answered yes. I guess I have not truly wanted to be healed. I have only given God part's of my heart, and withheld the rest, even guarding myself from God. God - He who knows the depths of my soul - I attempted to guard even that. Talk about a waste of time! And when I answered yes, God said we have to start with these walls you've built. He said we.

So to you reading, if I know you - I hope I do - forgive me. To my friends, you know who you are. I appreciate you, and I am sorry. For guarding myself from you, for being cold and unapproachable. For being unforgiving. For being unkind or sharp with my words as I tried to push you away. God and I are about to take a journey to healing and freedom. I have no idea how to do this or walk this path but I ask for patience and prayer while we do this. I'll need it.

I'll see you on the other side.

With Unveiled Faces Part 2

2010-08-20T21:59:00.001-07:00

In my last post I used the metaphor with unveiled faces, who we really are, to risk being seen as purely the glory of God. That phrase has become more to me as I have dug deeper into scripture. Simultaneously with the phrase "unveiled faces", I have met God with more questions and have been graciously answered. Have you ever been bothered by a suspected facade some put on during worship when raising their hands? Yep, I said it. I was that girl trying to judge who was being sincere or not, and letting it ruin my devotion to Him in worship. I did not quite understand how raising our hands became so popular for worship. Who made that the representation of true worship? So, obviously as the rebel I am, I would refuse to raise my hands in an attempt to be different and praise God in my own way; in my heart. Well, as ridiculous as I was being, it allowed God room to further change my perspective. During the last year I found and joined a new church that was unlike any church I had visited. During communion one Sunday God spoke to my heart the importance of communion as the tangible, physical, and representational expression we have to remember His sacrifice. God instructed, but more importantly showed us how to remember Him by taking the bread and the wine to reflect on all He did. Right then and there I understood and had my entire paradigm of hand raising worship changed. We raise our hands as the physical representation of surrender. We raise our hands to show our praise. We sing for our praise to be heard, but we raise our hands for our praise to be seen. Just as we are asked to confess Him before man, so He will confess us to His father (Matthew 10:32).

Now to what else God has been delighting to draw me to: a better understanding of scripture, but more importantly, the mystery and beauty of how God shares his word. Scripture is full of parables, we know this. But the Old Testament uses a ton of parallelisms and "tokens". For all intensive purposes, I will use the word token to represent what I mean. The idea is that of physical, tangible, and expressional methods and means to represent something, like I mentioned hand raising worship and communion. In scripture the terms "covering" and "veiled" are used on many occasions, and it began to mystify me. I knew some of what God meant when He mentions how He is our covering, or how a woman's husband (to be?) is her covering, or head. But there was more. I was seeing it everywhere. We first see it in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve hide in their shame and cover themselves (Genesis 3:7). Rebekah sees Isaac for the first time and she takes her veil and covers herself (Genesis 24:65b). "Herself" is the Hebrew kacah which meant to physically cover, but also to hide, conceal, or to be overwhelmed.

I do not attempt to be a scholar, but it would appear that any reference to a veil or a covering demonstrates the need to look away from God's glory, to hide in fear or reverence of Him. In Exodus Moses petitions God to see His glory so the people will know who sent him. God can only allow part of His glory to be seen because the pure face of God in it's glory would kill him, so he tells Moses he will pass in front of him. God puts Moses on a mountain (Eldredge would say this is a wild thing about God) and "covers" Moses with his hand until he passes by. That Hebrew translation of cover is cakak which means: covering, hedge in, JOIN together, shut up or in, fence about, protect, weave together. In chapter 34 after Moses sees God's glory, and he returns to his people, in turn Moses has to cover even his face from his people the glory of God on his face. I love the New King James version of Psalm 90:17 the prayer of Moses. "Let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us!" It surely was as Moses had to cover His face after seeing His incredible beauty. Can you even fathom that?

Parallelisms are used throughout the entire bible to show prophetic scriptures and declarations of a future savior. We see the scriptures on veils, and then we remember that when Christ died, the veil (or curtain) was torn in two (Matthew 27:51). When Moses brought the commandments to his people, they were written on tablets of stone. Ezekiel 36:26-27 says, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." The verse is a prophecy of Christ coming and how with God sending His son, he abolished the old law that was written on stone, and the new law was to be a new covenant for His people at the birth, death, and resurrection of Christ. Christ removed the need for sacrifices (physical offerings, representation) by becoming a sacrifice so that we could boldly approach the throne (Hebrews 4:16) as Him as the mediator, because He had been tempted in all ways yet without sinning.

To this day, we are not required to offer burnt offerings and sacrifices, but a sacrifice of a contrite heart (Psalm 51). But we have the joy and privilege to offer our hearts to Him. We have "tokens" we can use to enhance worship. May we throw our hands and our faces in the air in reckless abandon and surrender to Him. May we remember His sacrifice by the physical consuming of the bread and wine He has given us. May we thank Him for His perfect design in placing us in a day and age that is so spiritually micro-managed, that He can come and whisper to a stubborn girls heart that He is bigger and better than anything we know.

We With Unveiled Faces Part 1

2010-08-20T06:41:00.001-07:00

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18.

It is my joy to tell you I am still realizing that the abiding in Christ draws out new desires in us. I wrote a few days ago that the abiding in Christ is the only place we will (should) find our greatest joy. For the first time in my life it has become a reality I cannot get enough of. I never knew there lived a life that existed outside of settling for less, and never having real joy and contentment. I told myself it was the stuff of better people or men who lived when Jesus did. I was mistakenly convinced the "contentment jargon speech" we hear so much from other Christians as the highest goal is satisfied only if we could complete a spiritual formula; we would achieve end result: contentment. But I am a living testament that there is, you guessed it, hope to have greater joy in the season of being (without) than there is to taking stone when God wants to give us bread. There I was with said result: contentment, and for me, it came without a formula. It came as a gift. It came as a huge surprise too. And I realize what I said can be translated into a formula, and that is exactly what I am betting on you thinking. I want you to see that you cannot fulfill a set of spiritual guidelines and expect God to answer or grant what you have asked for. I want you to quit manufactured spirituality and head straight to the creator. It may be frustrating at first, but when God reveals his grandeur to you in acting outside of what we expect, everything about your knowledge of him will be rocked.

I have the pleasure to go somewhere with God right now that is, first of all terrifying, but second, a great adventure. First, the terrifying part. It can be best described as God turning the heat up: in our relationship, of my knowledge of Him, and the convictions I claim. The pruning we understand that can sometimes happen, the iron sharpening iron, the testing in flames are all painful, but beautiful. Today on my drive home from work I begged God to show me how to carry this awkward burden, knowing that it is nothing compared to what His son carried, but I wanted to know how to endure it better. I feel like I am awkwardly fumbling through all of this.

Now to the adventure section. God has been asking more of me in terms of exposing my heart and that berating voice I used to live with has now become a mute (for now). God has asked me to risk being who I am and who He is creating me to be and in return I asked that He would catch me as I jumped heart first. I read a few days ago and retweeted these quotes because they literally rocked me. They came at the moment of perfect timing and affirmed to me what God has been asking of me. These next few events can be referred to as a "fleece" or to "lay out a fleece". The concept comes from Gideon's story in Judges 6. It is the idea that God can give us affirmation of what we think He is telling or showing us. I found this article online and it quotes it perfectly.

When God directed him to gather the Israelite troops to defeat the Midianite invaders, Gideon wanted to be sure it was really God’s voice he was hearing and that he was understanding His directions. He asked God for a sign to prove that this was truly His will. So he put out a piece of wool overnight and asked God to make it wet while keeping the surrounding dirt dry. God graciously did as Gideon asked, and in the morning the fleece was wet enough to produce a bowl of water when it was wrung out. But Gideon’s faith was so weak that he asked God for another sign—this time to keep another fleece dry while making the surrounding dirt wet. Again, God complied, and Gideon was finally convinced that God meant what He said and that the nation of Israel would have the victory the angel of the Lord had promised in Judges 6:14-16. Putting out the fleeces was the second time Gideon had asked for a sign that God was really talking to him and would do what He said He would.

The fleeces I believe God showed me in regards to risk came from two quotes I read. The first was an Oswald Chambers daily reading. "Sell all that you have" (Luke 18:22). In other words, rid yourself before God of everything that might be considered a possession until you are a mere conscious human being standing before Him, and then give God that." The second came from John Eldredge daily reading. This post is so good I want to share the entire thing.

The deeper reason we fear our own glory is that once we let others see it, they will have seen the truest us, and that is nakedness indeed. We can repent of our sin. We can work on our "issues." But there is nothing to be "done" about our glory. It's so naked. It's just there-the truest us. It is an awkward thing to shimmer when everyone else around you is not, to walk in your glory with an unveiled face when everyone else is veiling his. For a woman to be truly feminine and beautiful is to invite suspicion, jealousy, misunderstanding. A friend confided in me, "When you walk into a room, every woman looks at you to see-are you prettier than they are? Are you a threat?"

And that is why living from your glory is the only loving thing to do. You cannot love another person from a false self. You cannot love another while you are still hiding. You cannot love another unless you offer her your heart. It takes courage to live from your heart. My friend Jenny said just the other day, "I desperately want to be who I am. I don't want the glory that I marvel at in others anymore. I want to be that glory which God set in me."

Finally, our deepest fear of all . . . we will need to live from it. To admit we do have a new heart and a glory from God, to begin to let it be unveiled and embrace it as true-that means the next thing God will do is ask us to live from it. Come out of the boat. Take the throne. Be what he meant us to be. And that feels risky . . . really risky. But it is also exciting. It is coming fully alive. My friend Morgan declared, "It's a risk worth taking."

It was a weird day to be sure. I mentioned in some previous posts the high amount of spiritual warfare that has been following me, and I mentioned how God has turned the heat up in our relationship. And I find this to be wildly amusing in a few ways. I will keep that a mystery and just share that there was a fire right next to my work. Really. I marveled at its beauty in a strange way. A coworker commented that it was a wild beauty. I concur. This is a picture of it.

I went to church later that night and the moment I stepped into worship, the Oswald quote was shared word for word: fleece one. My pastor shared that we answer to God, and no one else. A question God had asked me four times this week: fleece two.

I came home from work on Thursday with an overwhelming anxiety ridden fear that I could not place. I naturally always wonder if this is enemy territory, but after asking God to help me name what I had been feeling, I realized it was what Eldredge explains as "the awkwardness" in exposing our nakedness, who we are. It is HARD to live this way when you seem to be the only one: fleece three. God has given me three affirmations that He is up to something and I am hyper aware of His movement but I have absolutely no clue what or why. That is why I call it an adventure. I am constantly reminded that I cannot always ask a million questions, but follow where I am being led. Eve likes control, she is afraid that, when led, she will be ruined, or lost, so she asks too many questions. Eve can be stupid. Really stupid.

My next post will be part two of more of the adventure God is taking me to in scripture. But to give a lead-way to it, what God shared through John Eldredge was on living with unveiled glory, exposed nakedness, taking the risk. Eldredge shares that living that way is the only loving thing we can do. Oswald Chambers post shared on being stripped before God of everything (Luke 18:22) and then offering God that mere conscious human being. Scripture tells us abiding in Christ is where our joy is made complete and full. It is the only place we should be, and if we find it, it is the greatest joy there is.

So, will you join me? Will you with unveiled face be who you are, but more importantly become who God is calling you to be? Will you risk revealing the glory of God in who you are to become? It's an adventure, and it's scary. But it is worth it. Are you risking? Are you exposed? Are you who you are intended to be?

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." (1 Corinthians 15:10).

Abiding in Christ and Spiritual Formulas Gone Awry.

2010-08-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have been blessed.

No, I have been chosen; chosen to witness God come through in some spectacular ways recently. The only way I know how to process the information is, naturally, to share it through writing. Today I was driving home from work thinking on how He made my paths straight (Prov. 3:6). How He brought me to a spacious place and delivered me because He delighted in me (Ps. 18:19). How He is granting me my hearts desire and fulfilling all my purpose (Ps. 20:4). How He is making my steps firm (Ps. 37:23). How when the abiding in Christ is cultivated, we walk in accordance to His will. I was trying to wrap my mind around when God clearly shows His plan and His purpose for us, how He causes everything to be firm. Everything that we need is provided. How when we follow God's instruction and lead, He offers the peace we yearn for that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7). He offers the contentment we pray for when we walk in the direction He calls. I was also thinking on wisdom. Wisdom has been something I have needed huge amounts of lately. I have found wisdom is a treasure not sought often enough. But how when wisdom is sought, it is found. We know we are called blessed to find wisdom (Prov. 3:13) and that if we lack it, we are to ask for it (James 1:5). Here's what God lavished on this lucky girl today.

Have you heard the phrase, "Don't place God in a box?" The statement means that God cannot be limited to our knowledge and understanding of who He is. This is something we often overlook and it is no wonder we do when we are the one's running our lives instead of Him. It is no wonder that we place Him in confines (or boxes) and scoff when we don't see Him come through for us. In my experiences, the times I place God in my box of understanding, I limit His power. And it is not He that is lacking in power, but it is I who is lacking in belief; lacking in understanding of who He really is. We like to toss around the phrase that God is big. God is mighty, mighty to save, right? But why do we make Him so small? Beth Moore puts it this way: we see little of Him because we believe little of Him. And we believe little of Him, because we see little. I read that in the study Believing God and ever since have tried to expect MUCH from a very capable God. Today as I was trying to understand how I could have attained such wisdom (don't I sound awesome?) and I could not come up with anything. I replayed the last few weeks like a scene from a movie, fast-forwarding while I looked for the moment I solved and completed the spiritual algorithm to wisdom. I knew it was good to ask for wisdom: check. I knew I should read my bible: check. I knew I should seek counsel: check. But as I went through the list, God reminded me that He did not belong in boxes; He could not be the result of a spiritual formula. God ever so gently said the words to my heart, I give wisdom; I give understanding. I'm glad He exists outside of a formula. I'm glad He delights to answer our prayers, and even more glad that He answers our petition for wisdom by giving wisdom. Woah. Did you catch that?

I have been mystified for some years at the abiding in Christ and the wonder it brings from pursuing it. One of my best friend's husband shared a book with me a few years ago on Abiding in Christ by Andrew Murray and to this day I still think of it. I had an encounter tonight with God. One that I will never forget. I entered into a place with Him I never knew how to fully find. A place I have tried to enter into before, and have come so close that it walked and talked the same. However, tonight something happened. Something that again I do not get credit for. Something that I think God cultivates. I think I have used this in a blog before but I feel the need to share it again. You won't regret reading it.

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you." John 15:7
Prayer is both one of the means and one of the fruits of union to Christ.

It is the believer, who is not content with this spontaneous expression of his hope (wanting full understanding and full possession right now), but who takes time in secret prayer to wait until he has received and laid hold of what he has seen, who will really grow strong in Christ.

He (the soul who is truly abiding in Christ) realizes increasingly how it is in the real spiritual unity with Christ that we are accepted and heard. The union with the Son of God is a life union: we are in very deed one with Him - our prayer ascends as His prayer. It is because we abide in Him that we can ask what we will, and it is given to us. There are many reasons why this must be so. One is, that abiding in Christ, and having His words abiding in us, teach us to pray in accordance with the will of God. With the abiding in Christ our self-will is kept down, the thoughts and wishes of nature are brought into captivity to the thoughts and wishes of Christ; likemindedness to Christ grows upon us - all our working and willing become transformed into harmony with His.

His holy Spirit breathes through our whole being; and without our being conscious how, our desires, as the breathings of the divine life are in conformity with the divine will, are fulfilled. Abiding in Christ renews and sanctifies the will: we ask what we will, and it is given to us. In close connection with this is the thought that the abiding in Christ teaches the believer in prayer only to seek the glory of God. As the believer abides in Christ, the Savior breathes this desire into him. The thought, ONLY THE GLORY OF GOD, becomes more and more the keynote of the life hid in Christ. Abiding in Christ, the soul learns not only TO DESIRE, but spiritually to discern what will be for God's glory; and one of the first conditions of acceptable prayer is fulfilled in it when, as the fruit of its union with Christ, the whole mind is brought into harmony with that of the Son as He said: "Father, glorify Thy name."

"Whatsoever you ask in my name," may not be severed from the command, "Whatever you do, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus." If the name of Christ is to be wholly at my disposal, so that I may have the full command of it for all I will, it must be because I first put myself wholly at His disposal, so that He has free and full command of me. It is the abiding in Chrst that gives the right and power to use His name with confidence. To Christ the Father refuses nothing. Abiding in Christ, I come to the Father as one with Him. His righteousness is in me, His Spirit is in me; the Father sees the Son in me, and gives me my petition.

Abiding in Christ also works in us the faith that alone can obtain an answer. Abiding in Christ, further, keeps us in the place where the answer can be bestowed. Some believers pray earnestly for blessing; but when God comes and looks for them to bless them, they are not to be found. They never thought that the blessing must not only be asked, but waited for, received, and persevered in prayer. Abiding in Christ is the place for receiving answers. Abiding in him is the condition of power in prayer, because the answer is treasured up and bestowed in Him.

THE SECRET OF THE PRAYER OF FAITH IS THE LIFE OF FAITH, the life that abides in Christ alone.

Every question we have has an answer when we abide.

Every petition is granted when we abide.

Let's believe Him in our abiding petitions.

Let's believe He is capable and thank Him in advance knowing that He will do what we ask...

When we abide.

Real hope. True, right, proper, perfect hope.

2010-08-14T17:25:00.001-07:00

It is no surprise that hope is important to me. I don't even think I have been able to write anything without reflecting on or deferring to hope. I have been wanting to share more of my journey of hope, but even as I write that I feel nagging fear that accuses me of being unqualified. I tell myself there are wiser, smarter people with a better education that know more on this than I do. But like most days, I am pushed to follow the Voice of Reason and I will hope He has a purpose for more than just my writing. Writing is scary. Writing is intimidating. But writing is freeing.

So I will share some of the Truth I do know about hope.

Real hope. True, right, proper, perfect hope.

There was a season in my life that I am not fond of remembering, but the end of that season is where our story picks up. But first I need you to come with me somewhere. Have you ever had a dream that you couldn't wake up from? Or ever experience something that you felt like you couldn't escape from? Have you ever watched a movie that was so captivating that you felt as if it was YOU? But imagine it's not a role you want to play. Or, if I even knew what it would be like to awake from a coma, this would be it. This season of my life was like that. As I try to remember what I can of it, it's like trying to remember a dream. It's hazy - it's a fog. There will come times where I can remember specific events or emotions, but (thankfully) I generally feel as if they are memories, not of my own, imparted that I may draw wisdom from.

My first memory comes from a night I will never forget. This night was the turning point from the old self to the new. And I am almost certain I don't get credit for it. As the hours of the night lingered, I lay awake tormented by a veil - a cloak so evil that I did not believe I would survive it. The next morning I woke up breathing what felt like my first breathe. My lungs were sore. My legs were weak. I had no idea how to walk this way. My mom told me she had to pray for me in the room next to mine the entire night.

The next few months were hard. I remember how happy I was that God was so real, but I remember feeling so desperate for answers to questions that I had never asked before. The next memory comes and I am sitting in my car in the parking lot at my work. I was still new and so I would eat lunch in my car every day. I was given a book to read and God poured tremendous amounts of wisdom into me and I soaked up everything I could. I kept getting different books and through my new found love of reading, God spoke to me my new name. My new life purpose. The one thing I knew I could cling to that would save me in hours of desperation. I held so tightly to it that I never thought I could lose it. God offered this word to me as a gift, and today it is the foundation of everything I cherish.

Hope.

When I first fell in love with hope it was exactly what I needed. You see, I was so comfortable with nothing good in my life, that the idea of God wanting to give me a hope never seemed possible to me. I could never picture a happy future, an exciting life. I was so clouded with desperation that hope was a breath of fresh air that I couldn't breathe enough of.

As time went on, hope was with me and journeyed through the valleys too; some deeper than others. My hope was a treasure that had some aged spots but was always able to be picked up and polished to look like new. I wish I could tell you that I always fought for hope, but I can't. For two years hope and I were inseparable. Like new lovers that couldn't stand to be apart, I did everything I could to keep hope safe. But as sin has a way of it's own, hope and I grew distant. Those two years hope was good to me, but I don't think I was good to it. Hope was a source that I drew out of as I pleased, for my gain, for my happiness. Me. Me. Me. At first, it was good for me to believe in hope for a future that God would design if I let Him, but I took hope and I ran with it. I took all I could from hope until I was left alone to wander new terrain on my own. Out in the open I found myself in the same heartbreak I begged God to never let happen to me again. I went back to that night when I didn't think I would see morning. I experienced everything all over again that I swore I never would. Hope was gone and I couldn't seem to find it anywhere. I struggled longer than I would like to admit to find hope again. But hope found me.

As I would look back on the seasons in my life, I began questioning what hope was. I knew I loved it, and I knew it was mine, but I knew there had to be more. I can only give thanks to God for revealing this to me. If you have read any of my other posts it will help you understand this, but I journeyed through a land of questioning God on the big things. It was hard, but it was crucial. I guess questioning hope wasn't on the same playing field as understanding salvation, baptism, and the church, but learning real hope was just as important to me. God started speaking into me the desire for more than just my desires alone. I wrote in my singles post that I wanted to want God more than I wanted a husband, and that's where hope came in to play. I could hope like a professional when it came to thinking of my husband, but my notions of hope were all centered around me. And honestly, the longer I hoped in that happening, the more frustrated I became. Frustrated that my hoping was only about me, about what I could get: how I could feel. Hoping, but how could hope be that beautiful and important if it's just for me? Why would God call me hope and push me to proclaim hope when the only kind I believed in was for myself alone?

I knew I had to change my prayer life of course, but I also knew I had to change my thought process. God helped me start by allowing me to pay more attention to verses on hope and I am thrilled to say that real hope is a foreign land we (I) still do not understand. I am thrilled about this because it further proves the mystery of the gospel. Read for yourself what real hope is. True, right, proper, perfect hope.

Those who hope in his steadfast love.

Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.

For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth.

But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.

So that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments.

And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, for my hope is in your rules.

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.

Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob, and I will hope in him.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

In his name the Gentiles will hope.

Therefore my heart was glad, and my tongue rejoiced; my flesh also will dwell in hope.

That they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us.

In hope he (Abraham) believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be."

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.

He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness.

having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is The hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints.

Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world.

There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call.

To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation.

For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.

As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy.

In hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began and at the proper time manifested in his word through the preaching with which I have been entrusted by the command of God our Savior.

While we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

So that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.

In your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.

I did intend to write these verses without the citation. I wanted it to read as a whole so the progression could be noticed. I was not trying to ignore or take the verses out of context, I tried to be careful of that. What I wanted you to see was how when Jesus came into the picture, our hope turns from God being our hope, to adding Jesus to that hope. The hope of glory, the hope of Heaven, the hope of our life after death. The majority of these hope verses are translated two ways. There is hope - Hebrew - tiqvah - which is expectation, the thing that I long for, ground of hope, things hoped for, outcome. Then there is Greek - hope - elpis - which is faith, expectation of good, hope, in the Christian sense, JOYFUL and CONFIDENT expectation of eternal salvation, in hope, having hope IN the author of hope, he who is the foundation.

Real hope realizes that this life is used for God to refine and mold us for our real life, our life spent with him in His Glory in Heaven. Real hope is the expectation and excitement of our eternal salvation, our eternal reward. It is hard for me to even write that because it is so hard wired in me to hope for things on earth like a husband, and children, and grandchildren! And I do not think those hopes are wrong in any way. I think it IS good to hope for those things, and God places those desires in us for a purpose. But only if we can qualify those hopes first with having more hope in the TRUE hope. Real hope.

So, I will ask you. Where is your hope?

The next chapter

2010-07-31T21:18:00.001-07:00

My bedroom is empty. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight which means I'm not sleeping. I don't think I would if I was in my bed anyway. Tomorrow morning I will head to church and sing for the last time at my home church where I have been for around 15 years. Directly after church we will load the last few items and head to Riverside. I can barely believe the words as I type them. Branching out on my own has been something I have wanted for so long and now it has come true. With a ton of provision from God, the most supportive and generous family, and some incredible friends, I have landed a job, an apartment, roommates, things to make an apartment my new home, and peace that surpasses understanding as I jump into this next chapter of my life. I remember the night before I moved to go to school. I remember the night before I graduated college. Now I will remember this night knowing that what God wills has such a specific and planned purpose. I have absolutely no idea why God wants me in Riverside but I am so excited to see what He will lay out for His kingdom sake and for my life.

I can't help but reflect on the times in my life where I doubted His existence because of His lack of movement. And I can't help but wonder if He wasn't moving because I wasn't wanting to devote anything to Him, not that God cannot move without my will, but I believe God delights in a willing spirit. It is impossible for me even begin doubting His existence as I have witnessed perfect little miracles and provision in a season where I was so desperate to know what He wanted of me.

I've been reflecting how quick this all happened and I still have whiplash. My interview was two and a half weeks ago and I had so much excitement/anxiety during the waiting/wondering/praying/petitioning and I have come to learn that the journey is far better than the destination, or as one of my friends would say, the "now" rather than the "next". I have been given the desire of my heart, the very thing I wanted more than anything and the time I spent praying and hoping and seeking God was just as exciting if not more. I have come to know God more and have had the sweetest time with God in the seeking for my needs and my hopes. I know that in all of my life, through every season He is still God but I know that it will be harder for me to remain this steadfast in seeking Him in the soon to be normal routine of my day to day life. So I will try to cling to the place I have found Him in during this season and remember how He rescued me and provided for me. May it be for His glory, His sake, and His Kingdom.

Thank you Abba. I love you.

Your beloved and bride.

Think bigger.

2010-07-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write about this for a week now but haven't had the will to expose my heart. In an attempt to take a risk, I will open my heart to those of you who choose to read the words of a hopeful yet distraught woman. I read in one of Elisabeth Elliot's books that she was afraid to write out her heart in fear of having the things she longed for lost once they were written. Couldn't have said it any better. I have been a little amazed, to put it lightly, at God's timing and intervention in my life as I reread my old entries here and here. Uncertain of where I would be living and working, I attempted prayers of trusting God and relinquishing my dreams to Him in the surrender of His ultimate plan for my life. You see, moving away from my hometown was on my priority to-do list. As much as I love the people I know, it is hard for me to be home. I believe God has full power to heal, but home for me is a reminder of my demons and my past. I somehow felt spiritually hindered to grow, whether it was my perception that needed to change, or something else, I was still determined to get out. Somehow along the way of praying for trust and a surrendered heart, God made them reality and I jumped in whole heartedly trusting that wherever I landed would be for my good. Three weeks ago I went to Riverside for an interview at a financial firm that needed finance executives. I was honored when I was asked to return the next day for a second interview, however, I declined it. I had this unsettled feeling about it and on my drive home I had a major heart to heart with my Abba. I committed three hours of silence to let Him speak how He wished and well, that only lasted a few minutes before I started spilling my heart and my tears. He let me express everything and then I heard him say a few important things.

Think bigger.

Think bigger? But, I'm just stupid girl..

...

Think bigger like what? Like you actually have a specific job for me? I thought I was supposed to roam this arena by myself?

...plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future.

That can't actually apply to me. That's what everyone quotes as their favorite verse in an attempt to pretend to be Godly while actually being narcissistic.

...

Trust me, please.

You know that whole slow to anger business about God, I think it must apply to His talking too because He talks incredibly slow and steady making sure I understand His every word. But after a while I got the gist. God had encompassed my entire philosophy of what I thought He meant for my future in oh, a few minutes? And transformed my perspective, hallelujah. I left Riverside feeling distraught and hopeless, and arrived home with the absolute certainty God would provide exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it. I didn't give a moments thought to worry and fear (honestly) and even stopped looking for jobs online (scary, not recommended). I continued praying and enjoying the peace that came in His trust blanket and the night after I got home I had a long talk with my parents about future plans and we were at a loss for what to do unless God intervened. I remember my step dad mentioning how maybe the way to get jobs in this economy is by having connections or knowing the right people. We ended the night in prayer and I went to bed. The next day I was talking to one of my girlfriends about jobs and her pregnancy (YEEE!) and at the end of our conversation I asked her to keep her ears open about any job openings. She said she knew her friend just quit her job (this was actually the second time she mentioned this to me but I dismissed it the first time she said it) and she would look into it. At that instant the world stopped spinning as all the "signs" came into place. My step dad had talked about having connections, my friend mentions twice about a possible job opening, God says think bigger and actually transforms my trusting Him. My friend mentions to me the name of the girl who just left her job and I remember knowing someone who works with her. I got on my computer instantly and asked if her position was filled. I get a response that said this, "Yes. Send me your resume." Somehow hearing her position was already filled did not phase my trust in God because my hope did not falter. I sent my resume in and prayed one of my favorite quotes from a (corny) Christian film called Facing the Giants, "If I get this I praise you, if I don't get this I praise you." I was sitting at lunch with my mom while all of this was happening mind you, and I get a message back that says, "No we still need people." I died. In the restaurant. To save you reading through more of my choppy thought processes, I had an interview a week or so ago and was notified shortly after that I got the job! I need a few more of those! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! YA! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never for one minute doubt that God can direct even the smallest details in your life. Never doubt that. Ever. God could have done anything, even change my mindset and my desire to stay home, but he didn't. He gave me the desire of my heart and I have never felt so delighted in as I do now, and I also have never delighted in HIM as much as I do now. This has been the second most exhilarating time in my life and my walk with my Abba. The first was a time of the most immense spiritual and emotion pain, and this season was just as joyous. Proof that we can delight in God in every season friends.

I have written about spiritual oppression before in the context of when God moves, so does the enemy. With the joy I have had lately in God's provision, I have been hit smack in the face with more oppression. Let me preface what I am about to say. The type of suffering I have gone through is mild compared to what some go through, so please understand I do not try to over dramaticize my circumstances. My life has had some beautiful seasons, but some ugly ugly ones as well. I have been so low on my self at times that the thought of anything good happening to me was foreign. I think the remnants of that still exist today because this season of extreme joy and bliss in God's providence has found me facing some dark forces. The bulk of it: I am not used to this much joy. I am not used to this much blessing. I don't know how to emotionally handle this much happiness. I feel unworthy, undeserving, and worried that at any moment I am not being grateful enough. I am reflecting as I write this realizing that most of this is my perception, however my greatest enemy has loved it. Every night of this last week when walking to my car after work, late at night mind you, I almost expected my car to be broken into. Or that on my way home I will get in an accident. I somehow think that too much good has been happening that I am due something bad. I have had thoughts that my future employer will call me and tell me they no longer desire me for the position. That my apartment details will not go through. I have been trying to decipher what thoughts are mine, and what are lies, and having to fight the lies as they come. And let me tell you, it's tiring. But God has been strong.

Tomorrow I will drive to Riverside and sign the lease on an apartment that has already had so many things go wrong with arranging roommates. I am having to stretch my trust muscle once again and fight all day as the details have been tearing at my trust. I start my job on Monday and feel so excited for this new chapter in my life and all of the things that God has in store for my life and for those lives that I will encounter. My prayer will continue to be one of focus. That details or circumstance will not prevent me from remembering how God delighted in me and gave me the desire of my heart.

I camped at truth, not that other camp.

2010-07-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am out of my league in writing this, but it has been on my mind and even while I am not quite sure I want to get into this, I will and hope that some meaning finds it's way into my words.

I will never forget a conversation I had with one of my girlfriends a few years back while we had dinner. She has her masters in marriage and family therapy and we inevitably find ourselves talking about why we do the things we do or something psychological. I guess we speak each other's language. I took my turn ranting about the church and how we both were spiritually raised a little close minded and she shared this bit of information with me that has never left my thoughts. It comes back to me any time I hear believers argue doctrine, scripture, music style in the church, etc. We were talking about me, if I'm honest. I was the one raised on the side of accepting truth without questioning it and fell off the deep end, more times than not. I have ran marathons with God and I have also ran so fast from Him my hair blew in the wind. I was pouring over how easy it is to second guess God's existence when life deals us a bad card. I used every excuse I could and in rebellion declared I was doomed to never fully grasp salvation. She assured me that God would not let go of me and I internally ached while I laughed at the notion.

Our dinner progressed and we got to talking about theology and how people argue about anything they can get their hands on. With combined ego's and close minds, Christians will argue about anything just to be right and I guess she was big enough to see outside of the point of arguing and into the heart. I will never forget that night and how she said, "who cares?! why argue? What's the point? They won't change their mind anyway and most of them want to argue to be right or to be heard." It was irritating me that I didn't have answers for the "big" questions in our faith and irritating me even more that people will argue over one side over the other. I didn't understand how two people could have absolute certainty that doctrine A was right over doctrine B while the other fought doctrine B was right over doctrine A. Didn't one have to ultimately be right? She continued to say the so-what's and who-cares and it's-not-your-problem. At first I was mad she wouldn't hand me the right answers, but I think then and there I silently vowed to never argue a side to just be right, or be heard. To not choose a camp, but to choose truth, and I later learned that truth is to be found in the searching of God and His Word and that everyone one who believes should take the journey to get the "big" questions answered. I've written about my journey to truth in some other posts, but God fulfills His promises in His word. When God says that he will give wisdom to those who seek it, He does. I had the most excruciating/wonderful journey to learning truth and I sought Him on the "big" stuff.

My last semester of college I had a series of life changing classes taught by some of the greatest minds I have ever met. The moral of the year for me came to be one of focus. We misplace our focus too easy, and sometimes without realizing it. I reflected on my dinner conversation with my friend when I learned how important focus is. The focus of two people arguing is not on God, but the truth they proclaimed to be true. We somehow idolize our points over the one who originally made those points. John Piper says it best in a short video of why America needs to be purged of the health, wealth, and prosperity gospel. He remarks that we idolize the gifts God gives us over Himself, the giver. "Oh did God give you a BMW? Well I'll take Jesus!" Thats idolatry, that's not the gospel. Focus is lost on the very things God chooses to bless us with and it's heart breaking. Focus is lost when two people of the same faith argue doctrine. Focus is lost when we forget the heart of the issue.

Lately, focus has been the very hardest thing for me to continue my discipline in. It is so easy for my mind and my heart go where it wants, but focus, focus has been what I am fighting for. That God remains my focus. That God remains my heart. That the heart of everything I say, think, act, feel that I remember focus.

Please know I realize there is a time and a place for conversation about belief systems, but more often than not it is not done in the right way. So before we go debating on a speaker, a book, a doctrine, stop and remember focus. Where is our focus due? What is the heart of the issue? What's the point?

All my single ladies (All my single ladies)

2010-07-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

I am so thrilled to be writing this message. Thrilled and a little scared. This is a message that I know God has ordained me to write, but it touches a sore place in my heart. I guess that's why its so important for me to share it with you. And I guess it's easier for me to pretend that I have it all together; that I am strong and that I don't need a man. But the truth is I have believed for longer than I should that I did need a man. That I was somehow lacking without someone, but it wasn't my time yet, so I was to just wait for him.

What a load!

This is for the single woman who, like me, feels slightly forgotten. You make your best attempts to trust God with what He is doing and say prayers that almost feel fake. "God.. you know my desires, and I trust you, but... why does it take so long?" Or, "God, what's wrong with me? Why are all my friends married and I'm not?" Beloved, trust me when I say I understand how you feel. I know what it's like to feel completely unworthy of romance. To feel like you have nothing worth being pursued. To wonder what it is that makes you invisible. Dear sisters, I know your heart. I have had many conversations with women in this situation and have heard the desire of their hearts. I know the pain you feel after having your heart broken, thinking nothing could hurt more. I know how it feels to spend every weekend alone. I can't tell you how many movies I have seen by myself, how many movies I saw in the theatre by myself, how many times I went to dinner by myself. I know how you feel when you watch every friend you have get engaged, married, and pregnant. I know the feeling of longing that never ceases. The wave of emotion we feel when we try to stay positive, but after time grows to numbness.

But you know what? I'd had enough it. I got SO sick of feeling sorry for myself, always stuck in this place of wondering when it would be my time, my turn to fall in love; I was exasperated with prayers. And I was getting irritated with my selfishness. My idol became obsession about a guy rescuing me; idolatry and selfishness. I wanted a guy so I wouldn't feel alone? A guy to love me? To make me feel beautiful? How could I expect a relationship when I was bound to suck the life out of him, and have my expectations crushed? So my prayers went from, "Lord, I trust you with your timing, but if there is any way your timing could be now, I would love it." To, "God, you know how miserable I am, and I am sick of obsessing about this season. I want to want you more than I do a husband, but I don't. Help me want you more than I want a guy. Help me love you 100 times more than I can a man." I was as honest as I could be and I met him with the desire to change my desire. I didn't want God enough, but I wanted to want him.

Let me tell you, God has been answering me in the most beautiful way and I am so excited and prayerful for Him to do the same for you. Through His word, my friends, and bible study He has been piecing together what I have been missing. No, it's not a guy, hallelujah. What I have been missing is a treasure, the key to understand being single.

First, I was reading through Corinthians and I came to First Corinthians chapter 7 on marriage. Paul writes that it is good for a man to be unmarried (v.1, v.8), as he is (v.7), for the sake of the Kingdom. It is not a sin to get married (v.28), but he understands that if he were married, he would have less time to invest in ministry of spreading the gospel, because time is short (v.29). Paul urges to remain as we are, free from concern (v.32) because those married are concerned for their spouses, families, households; divided in their time. Here's where I was awestruck with. "An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord's affairs; Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in body and spirit" (v.34). "...in undivided devotion to the Lord" (v.35). What a beautiful reminder that this time is devotion to God, not a season where God is withholding from us, but a time to devote everything to Him; my body and my spirit.

I've been reading a book called Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones on becoming God's best while waiting for Mr. Right. At first I shied away from another how-to single's book when a friend suggested I read it. And I am thankful I gave it a chance because it teaches how to utilize your time as a single woman for ministry, for the Lord. Today I was laying in the pool, slaving for Jesus you know, and God gave me a ton of holy inspiration for this post. If I were a married woman, I may have been in the kitchen cooking (typical, right?). Or I may have been cleaning, or doing laundry. The fact of the matter is that I am single, and I had time to think and pray about this message and prepare it mentally before I had time to sit down and write it. And I do realize married women can have time to write, but I am thankful that I have the amount of time as a single woman for such things. The book also urges us to get involved in leading a bible study, serving your community, spending your energy spreading the gospel. Sisters, our time as single women may be short, we need to utilize it while we are mindful of it.

This last weekend I was in Newport Beach (slaving for Jesus again) at the Beth Moore conference. My mom and sister and I went down for our favorite bible study leader and our favorite Sprinkles cupcake. Beth taught on prayer and I have a few things from my notes to share with you.

Whatever He wills for you is for your good. If it's being single for now, it's for your good. Embrace it.

How much more is my Father than my friend? He is our daddy, He wants to provide for us. Friends, though God may allow time to be single, He still wants our prayers, hearts, desires. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened" (Luke 11:9-10). Do not hide your desires from him! God uses a yearning heart to draw us closer to him!

How much MORE does my Father have in store for us? Luke 11:13 says, "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matthew 6:26.

Why has my persistent prayer been out of reach, unanswered? There are things God wants to give us only after we have persevered in our prayers. Hebrews 10:35-36 says, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

If God doesn't give us the desire of our heart, He will give us the heart of our desire. With our unanswered prayers, God uses our life as a testimony to others. Writing this is a great example of how God uses my singleness. If there is one heart, one woman that is encouraged reading this, then my entire season of being single and struggling is worth it. If she is strengthened by the word of God through my testimony, then God's purpose for this season is made complete. I cannot ask for anything else. And your story is the same. Ashes for beauty. He works everything for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Sometimes when we ask God for things, we do not see our lives as a whole as God does. Have you ever asked God for something and later were thankful He never gave that? Well, Beth made a point that when we ask for things, sometimes we are asking for a stone, and God wants to give us bread. He does not withhold good from us!

And if, just if, he calls us to be single forever, He will give us His spirit instead. He will use that space to fill Himself with. "Make the most of every opportunity because the days are evil, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is" (Ephesians 5:17).

You are not lacking anything dear one. "In Him we have been made complete, given fullness in Christ" (Colossians 2:10). I hope you are refreshed by the word of God in this season in your life, I am right there with you sister.

...and wait in expectation.

2010-07-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am fighting the urge to shut down my heart. So to counteract the pull, I am having to remind myself of these. Be reminded and encouraged if you are in any place like I am.

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Psalm 5:3

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 33:20

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 37:7

Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

Psalm 37:34

I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.

Psalm 38:15

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.

Psalm 40:1

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Psalm 130:5-6

Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.

Proverbs 8:34

I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in him.

Isaiah 8:17

Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.

Isaiah 26:8

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all whowait for him!

Isaiah 30:18

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:24

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

Micah 7:7

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Romans 8:25

Spiritual warfare and the unforeseen near future.

2010-07-05T22:47:00.001-07:00

I feel like I am going through a mid-mid-life crisis. Except I don't need a new sports car or a new husband.

Maybe this time in life is supposed to be exactly what it is. A completely unforeseen emotional roller-coaster. I have been banging on heavens doors lately more than I have in my entire life and in the process God has made some extravagant changes in my thinking and of my theology of Him. And I couldn't be happier about that. However difficult this time is, I know I must say I rejoice in my sufferings (Oh what we consider suffering...) knowing that it produces perseverance, character, and hope. To be made in the likeness of Christ we should be considered blessed to endure what we would call hardship. What more can I ask for?

Warning: The following content is rated scary but true.

However, with the abiding in Christ comes affliction. Every time I come closer to God the spiritual warfare starts. Last night before bed I was thinking how difficult I find it to crack open my bible and read it because I have always felt like I learn better when I listen. So I opened my handy iPhone and downloaded an audio bible application and listened to God's word before bed. That must have been a threat to God's greatest enemy. I have the hardest time breaking free of my nightmares, and I think I know why. The second I woke up from the haze of distortion and demonic presence, I started quoting every scripture that I could think of half asleep. I declared Jesus name 5 times over and cast it away with the power of the Lord Jesus and still it would not flee. I used a trick I learned in one of Eldredge's books and asked God what it was so I could name it and pray it away. Fear. It was terror. I continued to pray it away and it ceased only for a moment while I remembered my handy new iPhone app. I reached for my phone and started playing the New Testament out loud. Hallelujah for technology!

I almost hesitate sharing my history with spiritual warfare understanding that some people who believe in God are either ignorant or unaffected, but then I remember that that may very well be another ploy the enemy uses to keep believers in the dark about how real it is. I have had the privilege to fight alongside God in many victorious battles. It can be scary, but it is always an adventure. And my Hero always wins.

With the onsite of more spiritual warfare, I am reminded that my life is heading in a direction I have absolutely no knowledge of. But God does, and the forces of darkness must be shuddering in fear. And even with that knowledge I still have had so much disbelief that God has a hand in where my future is going. I have been asking the questions wondering if God is concerned with my career. If He even has a plan at all.

Tomorrow morning I leave for Riverside for my first interview. An employer found my resume online and called for an interview. Later this week I will have another interview. I have no idea if these are jobs that I want, but I am begging God for some direction. Still unsure if He even had me in mind, I have been trying to grasp my emotions today but I have been unsure of what they were until I read this.

"I spend a lot of time thinking about my job. Not necessarily the job I have (though that occupies considerable emotional real estate) but the job I’m destined for, the one that’s made for me and I for it. Honestly, most days, I pine after it like some forlorn lover searching for my missing piece.

I’ve put my future in the hands of every available psychological aptitude test hoping that it might unlock the deep and profound mysteries of my professional future.

I’ve tried asking close friends and family as if they would somehow deliver the silver bullet of truthiness the world (and my Oprah-endorsed visionboard) have so flagrantly failed to spell out for me.

I’ve even tried praying. It usually goes something like “God, I know you’re busy, what with all of the tea-party campaigning, but if you could leverage some of that omniscience and catch me up, on my professional life, I’d appreciate it.” I usually don’t hear back and most times I just fall asleep.

So I dismiss God as someone uninterested in my career choices. And I move on, lobbing search terms like ‘what do I with my life’ and “faking your own death” into the wilderness of the Internet.

But I have to believe that every single day is designed. And I’m excited, nervous, anxious to see what the designer has planned next."

Thank you Sean.

"I have ice in my glass."

2010-06-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

I was recently inspired to simplify my life. We have too much stuff. I have too much stuff. I have bags of clothes that I store away because they either don't fit, or simply because since I spent the money on it, I should keep it. Whether or not I should have spent the money, (a topic I would rather avoid for now) there it sits. And rather than give it away or yard sale it, I store it for safe keeping. I have nicknacks that have absolutely no purpose but I find it difficult to get rid of. I was once watching a show on people that hoard things for so long they are buried, literally, in things they cannot get rid of. Now while I don't think my problem is quite that deep, I still don't like it. So, I let my mindset focus on a simplified lifestyle for a while until it was so appealing to me that I was anxious to simplify anything I could. I started with something that seems so silly but mattered to me. I deleted people on my facebook. I know...Well... I was befriending people that I had either never met or people I never spoke to or I found myself wandering on people's walls or pictures when I knew nothing about them. That started to really irritate me so I got my facebook to where I actually felt connected in one way or another to the people I kept. (I am REALLY sorry if you were hacked and are reading this. Send me a message, and I would love to know more about you). Next up was my wardrobe... Something I wasn't quite sure I could do but I bagged and boxed up three large trash bags (more to come) and said goodbye. My family is having a yard sale at the end of the month that comes at a Perfect time.

So that has been the beginning in the journey to simplify my life. Many thanks to the inspirer for sharing the joy of simple. I was laying in bed last night and for the past few nights I have not been able to fall asleep. Somewhere between subconsciousness and unconsciousness I imagined being on an island. I started to think of the movie Castaway and how he had to find a way to survive there with nothing. I think the idea of a simplified lifestyle led me to the extreme when I thought of having nothing and being stranded on an island.

Please hear me, I do not believe in coincidences.

This afternoon I sat down with my lunch, turned the TV on to look for a movie, and the opening scene to Castaway came on. During the entire film I could not help but wonder why we so often forget the miracle of our normal commodities. I was caught up in my thoughts and the film when Tom Hanks' monologue caught me by surprise.

I don't know if this message was for me or for you, but here it is.

"I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over nothing. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again.

So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaA_fSYfmTQ

Beauty.

2010-05-31T21:59:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about beauty lately. More than thinking, I have been constantly reminded how important beauty is. There is no doubt that beauty is a part of every day life. We see it in nature; in oceans and mountains. We see a beautiful woman and marvel at her. I have had my ears open more to the subject as my beauty is attacked every day. And more often than not I don't fight for it. This last weekend I was camping at the beach and my step sister was wearing high heels. High heels! I scoffed at her when she walked outside in the dirt with her pink fashion statement and thought to myself, "she's insane... her mother isn't even saying anything to her..." I wondered why it bothered me so much and I started to think about why she would put them on. I watched her come out of her room and walk in front of me, circle back into her room, and then back out the door. She wanted me to see her. She needed me to see her. I missed the opportunity to tell her how pretty she looked while I was thinking about beauty.

I pay a great deal of attention to things that people don't realize I do. 90% of my facebook friends are married and I notice that the majority of the male posts regarding his wife have the word 'beautiful' in front of wife, and the female posts about the husband have either 'amazing' or 'sweet' as theirs. It is no surprise how important men find beauty in their wives, but it just continues to amaze me that it is so ingrained in how God created men. And women, women were created to be the image of beauty. The image of God's beauty.

I had a conversation with one of my girlfriends a few weeks ago and she always has the most unique things to say to me. She said that I carried myself in a way that was different from most women. We started talking about beauty and she saw me as a woman. I never quite thought of how important beauty is to defend for myself, but I have always wanted women to know their beauty. She stunned me as she told me that I was the key that unlocks beauty. That somehow I helped women see their beauty. I am learning how important it is to fight for beauty. To know that it is there regardless of your shape, hair color, or height. It is that which God fashioned last to be beautiful. So be you no matter what, because no matter what you think you see, you are stunning.

His beloved.

2010-05-21T23:27:00.000-07:00

I won't begin to pretend I have it all together. I walked in the door, exhausted with my pride, and resisted the urge to cry. Can't let anyone see me fall apart, I told myself. I am too strong, or I need to appear to be. You see, when I imagined how my life would play out, I never took into account me being the constant thing in the way. Now 24 years later, college degree in hand, I presumed too much. I had this notion in my mind that things naturally fall together after college. Job, marriage, kids, retirement. Relationship with God? Yeah that should have been flying high when I turned 21. But all of these internal notions have one by one gone awry, in a way. And in a way, in a strange way, I think that is why God is so important right now. I have been learning to differentiate the lies society has told us our entire lives. That education is of utmost importance, that once you get your degree the pay is always better. I got a job offer that was going to pay me the same as I was making before I had a degree. And no one ever imagined the job market would be so difficult to get in. The only thing I take rest in is that God was not taken by surprise with this.

I don't have the skill of writing anything that isn't personal reflection or testimony, but if I did, I would tell you in a non personal way of how to reach to God through times where nothing makes sense. I would avoid using my personal mistakes and humility and explain that God's grace is the only place to remain. But I am just not that girl. I spent 22 years of my life wanting to be whatever you, whoever you are, wanted me to be. So, more than anything, I want you to love me for who I am. Covered in scars, overly honest, and willing to bare my soul in hopes that you will see God's name covered in my mess.

There was no purpose for me to be writing right now. But it feels good, and it feels excruciating. Writing is reaching into a part of me that I am learning at hiding from people is a bad thing. Writing opens the sore spots in my heart. Writing is the expression of a gift God has given me. I don't think I have ever been able to write something without crying. It is the exercise of the heart.

I am greatly humbled in my life right now. I feel weak, I feel vulnerable, and I feel sick of feeling. There is a large majority of me that wants to run away, to shut down, to hide in fear of not having it all together. In fear of having absolutely no idea where my life is headed. I try to tell myself that God knew what he was doing when he led me to school, when he directed my major, and when he asked me to obey. Does trust always have to be a major lesson? Then there is lesser majority of me that wants to leap into the next chapter of my life; bruised but eager to learn. Oh if only I could. But I am completely clueless to what I am to do. There are questions that have been tormenting me. Do I wait for God to tell me? Do I choose for myself? Does God care what I have as a career? Or do I just glorify Him in all that I do? Do I even care what I do?

I know I am not alone in this season of uncertainty, and I take comfort in that. But there was a girl sitting at the foot of her bed kneeling and praying, begging God for direction who believed this moment would be something different. She dedicated her life to Him, and now she feels slightly abandoned. Purposeless. Alone. She has given her hearts desire to Him more times than she can count and is speechless at the unfulfilled or unchanged delivery of that. I can never escape hope. Hope is the foundation for how God speaks to me. Hope can revive my heart, and it can make me bitter. But right now I am trying my very hardest to hold onto hope. When nothing makes sense: hope. When I have no successful plans: hope. When I am alone: hope. When the song in my heart has faded: hope. I have always had a vision in my mind of where I was headed, what I wanted, and who I was, but right now it is completely blank. And I am asking that He comes and paints something pretty, just for me. His beloved.

Bachelor of Arts in Christian Behavioral Science, May 1, 2010.

2010-04-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

I guess it seems appropriate to blog. I am graduating in the morning. Wow! I am still waiting for the moment it hits me that this chapter is closing. I have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to be doing, but I guess wherever I am is where I am supposed to be, or something like that. I don't have much else to say except I have the most inexplainable emotion about the last 3 years. God has carried me through the darkest days and the sweetest moments that have left me completely awed at who God is in every season. Learning how to keep God as the continual focus of my heart, and rephrasing everything that seems to elevate me over Him. I guess that's all I needed to say. I will wake up and force myself to remember the hours of May 1, 2010, imprinting to memory the feelings of complete uncertainty about my future while knowing I will someday look back and smile at the girl that felt lost. To that girl, always remember to hope.

In the Wilderness.

2010-04-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

The best I can offer right now is to make sentences. I have no idea if any of this will make sense.

I have been wandering in the wilderness so long that I don't even remember where I came from.

I am thirsty, and so incredibly alone.

I do not know where I am going, but I have been told to go.

So there I wander and wait.

The restlessness is often too much to handle.

The questions, the loss of hope.. It's almost impossible to hold on.

Every day I search for puzzle pieces that I try to fit together. Force together.

But every piece falls the second I touch it.

My getaway car breaks down as soon as I take off.

I have been so hungry.

I can't say I've been deprived. Because that puts blame where it does not belong.

I was walking, blind of course.

Heaven opened.

My heart knew what was happening because a smile graced my face before I could hide it.

He breathed into my ear.

The tiniest breath. Not about what He is doing, but that He is there.

It completely paralyzed me in its gloriousness.

I mean, straight up stopped me in my tracks as I reveled in its beauty.

The warmth, the gentleness, the intimacy.

I have been so low, that just a breath felt epic.

Like: achieving, finishing. Screaming victory.

Seeing a miracle. Having a baby. Seeing your dreams come to life.

Your wedding day. Like never never land.

My ear was so cold that the breath took me by such surprise.

It was exhilarating. It was intoxicating.

His breath has reminded me how sweet it tastes. Like the first warm day after winter.

A lover reuniting with her husband.

Distance isn't good, but when I'm back, it feels like paradise.

The butterflies, the love, the joy.

I have no idea where I am going.

I am a wanderer.

But every breath that touches my ear is the sweetest reminder that lingers to to remind me

He is there.

Enough. It's time.

2010-03-29T15:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday came to my surprise.

I woke up and felt exhausted, too tired for church. But something got me up and into the shower. I said to myself that it was just church, and since I was going alone, I didn't need to do my hair or makeup. I made some coffee, got dressed, and was out the door. I always feel emotional at church. Well, I take that back. I feel emotional at this church. I am fully convinced that God has a special work at Crossroads church because not a single person leaves there without feeling the Spirit. Back to my morning. We took communion and I sat there going over the dark places of my life begging God for His forgiveness. I knew that I needed to be clean before God to take of His body and His blood. And in those prayers of confession, I was exalting myself. I was overwhelmed with my sinful nature and where I am lacking as a Godly woman that I obsess and lose proper focus. To be honest, I haven't seen God at all through the haze I created. And when I was all I saw, I kept making more of the mistakes I loathed. I was stuck in a dark cycle of hating my sin, hating who I can never seem to be that I forgot where my loyalties needed to be. I was so broken before God yesterday morning. Halfway through my prayers I realized what I was doing and said 'Lord I can't even get past myself to get to you'. I pushed my thoughts onto who He is and what He says and tried to drown the girl that was begging for attention. I took of the bread and of the cup and thanked Him for His sacrifice and moved on. Yesterday started like any other day until something happened.

When I was a little girl I was raised to know the church, and to know what a good little Christian girl was to do, and I did my best. I said words to ask God into my life and was baptized when I was 9 and practiced a routine of "Godliness" until I was 17 and then unconsciously started conforming to other people. My heart ran with whatever it saw and whatever showed it's pretty colors to me. I developed a pattern of double-mindedness that has followed me into my mid-twenties and I have been so broken about it lately. I have felt as though there was no way out of this mindset, I was a slave, chained to all I have known. I wish I could tell you that the promises I made to God I kept. I wish I could tell you that the facade I put on was a reflection of God. But it wasn't. And I didn't. I really thought that at some age things would get easier. That I would learn, and sure I would have sin, but not the same cycle of sin. Three and a half years ago I took one tiny step towards God and God showed me what salvation was. There I believe was the true point in my salvation. I finally started understanding what faith, forgiveness, obedience, repentance, and love was. I wish I could tell you the last three years were easy, but that would be a lie. They have been the three hardest years of my life, but they have had more joy than I ever expected.

This year I began asking God a lot of questions. What is church? What is baptism? What is proper doctrine? How do I know what kind of a church I should join? When should someone be baptized? How important were all of these things? God has been faithful to give sight to my eyes to understand some things. But I was left feeling a little lost still on baptism.

Back to the service. I'm listening intently on the life of Jesus, and why we celebrate Palm Sunday. The pastor retells it perfectly and I start to reflect on myself again. My thoughts were stopped as I heard, "The waiting is over. God says it's time. Now. Its time to stop waiting, and be free. You are not a captive, you are no longer in bondage. Your waiting is over." It was as if the voice of God was right there in the midst of 2000 other people. The pastor then said that if you have had questions about baptism that today is your day. He explained why baptism is necessary and then he prayed. He prayed that the Spirit would move hearts to come, hearts that were afraid. You see, I was scared. Scared people would see me being baptized and think I had no Godly wisdom. That I wasn't who I had been pretending to be my entire life. I had so much pride about being someone people could look up to as Godly while I lived a double life, I was a double minded man unstable in all his ways (James 1:8).

At that very moment during the prayer, God said enough. Come. It's time.

So I went. I almost ran down the isle as the music swelled with my tears, to the front of the church where hundreds gathered to also profess God to each other. I got in the pool with my clothes on, God only knew I didn't need my hair or makeup done that day. I was shaking like I was freezing, but I wasn't. The man and his wife that baptized me I met a month previously at my work, and he remembered me. As I came out of the water, I was hugged by his wife and I put all of my strength into hugging her. It was a hug from God. I honestly felt heavy baggage fall off of me into the water as the cold shocked me. A beautiful picture of being buried with Christ and raising to walk in a

new

life.

Cheating on the Greatest Hero

2010-03-02T23:25:00.000-08:00

I love clicking the, "New Post" button. I just got so excited to write. As I type I am waiting for the next song to start on my Pandora 'Piano only' station so I can get the creative juices flowing. Am I the only person out there that needs to set the mood even for writing? Okay, just me.

This week has been one of the toughest I've had in a while. Taking 22 units by itself is insane, but adding choir, and work to it has been a challenge. I have been managing it semi-well... until last week. I started training at my work which doubled my work load and tripled my stress. It's like God wanted give me a recap of all the things He is planning on working on these next few years. I encountered my old self with all her nasty habits. I encountered my worst fear. I encountered my worries, doubts, and insecurities.

I saw the little girl hiding in the corner rocking her self back and forth because she doesn't want to hear it anymore. I saw her shut down emotionally, and revert to absentmindedness. And worst of all, I saw her shut everyone out around her. She has been too hurt to take any risk. And seeing her terrified me.

So many times I get caught up on how to write my ideas so perfectly. And how it is a reflection of what I aim to be: perfect. I live in two realms; truth and reality. Truth knows I cannot and will not ever be perfect. While my reality, the time and moment I live in, expects and strives for perfection. I am constantly letting myself down, feeling let down by others, and sinfully throwing myself the grandest of pity parties. One of my most difficult challenges this week has been to recognize my sin in pride. Low pride exalting itself above its Maker. I would like to tell you I was humbled, but I wasn't. I was lower than humbled. I was silently reminded that He is rich in Mercy and Love. He spoke Mercy over me more times than I can count. I am thankful that God has granted me 24 years to learn some maturity, and will be thankful for every day He allows my life to continue so that I may grow in wisdom and be rid of lies and sin that hinder the exaltation and glory of God.

February was a great month. For the first time I challenged myself to fast from 1 area that needed improvement. I praise God for helping me fast because with His grace I was successful! March is here, and I am continuing and adding 1 more. I expect this month to be much more challenging, but in accordance to my petition to God, He has spoken a word to me to offer help. Accountability. Something I forgot existed. Something I desperately need to seek out. So with a little confidence and determination, I will be seeking out more accountability in my life so that I may grow to be a woman who knows and fears her Maker.

I am always taken by surprise at God's ability to intervene in situations that look so grim. In times where I expect Him not to move, that I am alone, He sweeps me off my feet. I believe God is able to do mighty things, but I never expect or call on Him to. I want bear witness to my children the courageous and mighty things God does for me. But I need to get out of the way first. I need to wait for and expect Him to come through for me, to save the day, to be the Hero. I always remember this quote from The Chronicles of Narnia, Mr. Beaver says of Aslan: "'Course he isn't safe. But he's good." At the end of the book Mr. Beaver also says, "He'll often drop in. Only you musn't press him. He's wild, you know. Not like a tame lion." I don't want God to be safe, afterall He took the risk of giving man free will. But He is good.

God is doing a major work in my heart regarding His love for me. Different seasons of my life God has felt like different role models. Father, Friend, Enemy. This season He is my Lover. Teaching me that HE satisfies, and there is no man who will ever compare to Him. The most amazing and brutal truth God revealed to me happened a few weeks ago. I was singing words straight out of scripture and my thoughts ran to other lovers. And my heart instantly broke because I was cheating. Cheating. Cheating. Cheating. On Him. During His song.

My body is for Him.

A member of Christ.

I am one spirit with Him.

I am not my own.

I was bought with a price.

In the beginning was the Word.

2010-02-12T14:55:00.000-08:00

Take a moment to watch this.

More hope

2010-02-02T21:58:00.001-08:00

Life never ceases to amaze me. No, wait. Let me rephrase that. God never ceases to amaze me. Life feels like a mystery. One minute I'm feeling low, and then music lifts me. And then God answers prayer so unexpectedly. I have prayed that broken relationships be mended, and God has delivered. I am in such awe of God's power and His capability in human relationships, when they sometimes feel so hopeless. So once again, God shows me hope, and its beautiful.

Day 1

2010-02-01T14:06:00.000-08:00

I've been empowered to set goals for myself. Not that I haven't had goals in mind, but I have never had the self control or the discipline to see any of them out. Well, today is day 1, and here are my goals. I'm a follower of Christ, and I have never actually fasted from anything. So, for the month of February I am fasting from 1 area that needs improving. And in addition, I am going to set aside money. Not for anything in particular, but I've never saved money before. I have always made enough money to survive with very little left over. With my new promotion at work, I presume I will have some left over cash that I would like to save for the future. Whether it be to be able to pay for auto repairs, or to save for ring money someday for a groom :) February 1, 2010 is the day that I am telling you all, in hopes that it will help me have the strength to see them through.

On a personal note, I had one of those weekends. Where the phrase, "something has gone horribly wrong in our world" "this is not how it was supposed to be" came true. Nothing could have gone right, and I was so wrapped up in female hormones that I couldn't see the truth of the situation. Life feels like such a trap sometimes, where you question your worth and your purpose even more, and the enemy has a stronghold on you in those weak moments. It is such a wonderful escape from the disappointments in life to realize that life here is supposed to suck. This is not how it was supposed to be. But Christ offers new hope and new strength to endure, and promise of his second coming.

My prayer continues to be that you Lord be enough to fill me. That I learn to desire You more than I desire all else.

For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
he is to be feared above all gods.

For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the LORD made the heavens.

Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and glory are in his sanctuary.

Psalm 96:4-6

God you're worthy of praise because of your greatness, honored above all else that we put before you. Everything else is worthless - you made it all! You are all riches and all royalty, strong and beautiful is your sanctuary, my resting place.

Love, the one you named...

2010-01-25T21:11:00.000-08:00

I've never seen my grandmother cry. That was until today.

There's something so humbling about watching someone bare themselves by weeping. You hear all the time that this or that woman is so strong, well, my grandma is one of them. Today was my grandfather's funeral and almost 300 people showed up in his honor. I could tell you of how he won his purple heart in the Korean war. I could tell you how he worked hard to make life comfortable for his family. Or I could tell you how much people liked him. Loved him. I've never seen that many people at a funeral. Or a party. Or anything for that matter besides a concert, or a church service. I will always remember my grandpa, who took it upon himself to invest in my life in more ways than one, so that I could look back on my life and remember him in it. So that I can remember to invest in my grandchildren because it matters. There is so much family history, so much legacy that I would have not known had my grandfather and grandmother had not invested in me. There is so much richness and depth to the generations above me, that I consider myself blessed to have been granted the maturity to understand and appreciate how important those above us in age. There is wisdom, beauty, learned experience, protection, honor, laughter, and love. To you papa, my hero. I love you forever.

Love,

the one you named,

Rissa-lee-otis

Longing

2010-01-25T00:14:00.001-08:00

I long to read the words I love you. To have the attached knowing and anticipated feelings tied to the author. But I also know something more powerful. Something I want more than that. I long for God to be enough. If I'm honest, He hasn't been. Not because He isn't, but because I haven't let Him.

God is enough.
God is enough.
God is good.

Whom have I in Heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but you are the strength of my heart and my portion

forever.

Psalm 73:25-26

This is my prayer. That you, Lord, be enough for me.

To that girl

2010-01-15T22:54:00.001-08:00

To that girl settling for less because that is how she has always been treated. You are beautiful. You are worth more than you will ever realize. I know how you feel, and even though you don't think you could possibly ever deserve anything good to happen to you, you do. When you or anyone else you know won't, I will fight for you.

To that girl who lost her hair because sometimes life doesn't make sense. You are beautiful. I see past what you see in the mirror and could never understand why you wake up in the morning and conjure ideas to try to improve your temporary looks. You are flawless, a fearsome thing to behold. I strive daily to have an ounce of your beauty. You are the perfect picture of strength. You are stunning. I will fight for you.

To that girl who never understands, that even after fifty years of being alive, she still can't feel beautiful. That somehow she thinks she's made it past the mark where she should have overcome that insecurity. There is no secret I can't tell you, there is nothing that could ever separate our bond, there is nothing you could do that would make me feel unloved. I would shed any ounce of my success, my wisdom, my humility, just so you could feel even the smallest glimpse of the beauty I see in you. For even the smallest glimpse isn't enough, it would overwhelm you to where you never thought you could ever feel that beautiful. And that would only be a glimpse, a 1/10th of what you really are. And that is only from my human eyes. Your dear Father sees that, and infinitely more, and calls you beautiful. There should be a more powerful word than just beautiful for you, dear one. I wake up every day in hopes to be as beautiful as you. You are gloriously exquisite. I will fight for you.

To that girl that sits alone and wonders when her time is. Someday it will all make sense. Someday you will look back to that night you sat alone in tears, wondering what you did wrong, wondering what you could have done differently, and see God knew exactly what He was doing. And you could somehow hear your future self telling you in that humble moment, to wait, to be patient, to trust, and to hope. For to belong in God's will is easier than your own. To that girl, you are beautiful and you have done nothing wrong. God has a plan for your desire, submit it to Him and wait in great expectation for when He comes through, when He shows you He has what it takes. You are beautiful, I will fight for you.

To that girl, not yet alive in this world, yet my Father knows every one of your days. I will train you in the way of my God and my mother. You will be such a beautiful and wonderful gift, a future generation of hope. I shall name you Hope for that is what you came from. You will have many tough days, but I hold firm in the promises and grace of God. I will shelter you and raise you with the love that was shown to me. I can't wait to see the color of your eyes and see if you have my freckles. I can't wait to hold the miracle that you are, the image bearer of Christ. I can't wait to rock you to sleep and hear you laugh. I can't wait to see your daddy cry when he holds you too. I can hardly fathom the kind of love I will have for you and for our little family of three. To you little one, you are beautiful. I will fight for you.

I taped my future on the wall.

2010-01-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

These words, these blazing words are increasing and overwhelming with their presence, begging to be elaborated and explored. Much like a fire that was supposedly extinguished, Something prodded the coals and ignited a flame that grew larger and fiercer than before. Someone once told me that writing is necessary, that it is a sort of self-counsel where you tell yourself the things you need to hear, or how to be. It is inside of us, it just needs exploring.

I have been commissioned for a great adventure. I cannot fathom the greatness of God to allow me such a gift. After I had a prayer answered today, I was sitting in class not concentrating and I followed God with my thoughts and asked Him what to do with my future. He threw words at me that came from my own heart. This is what it looked like.

A heart fully alive. I believe God’s glory and our passions are tied very neatly together. Not to make it sound like God’s glory is dependent upon our passions, but I think God is smart. That is such an elementary sentence, but sometimes truth doesn’t have tact. My future filled my mind through visions of the very things that bring me incredible amounts of joy and passion. My dreams, hopes, and desires all flashed before my eyes as I asked God of my future. You know, the future seems to be the stuff of movies, the topic everyone wants to know. And there I sat having it played for me much like the screenplay of a life I could hardly fathom. A heart fully alive. Oh if we could all grasp this. I call myself blessed to be shown this, to be given wisdom and insight into a God who is more than anyone could imagine. I taped my future on the wall. There for me to see, there for anyone to see and inquire. Philippians 1:6 says "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

God began a work in me that started with the word hope, and today still fights on my behalf to restore my hope. He is continuing to draw me out of the known and into the unknown Glory that He has in store.

Maybe the happy ending is this...

2010-01-03T21:40:00.000-08:00

What else could I title my blogs? :)

Man I have had the greatest Christmas break I think ever. I got to go see one of my best friends Holly Anna in Sacramento for 3 days. Went to a few Christmas parties with Holly and her new extended family. I spent most of my time with Holls and Bryce and Trevor and even got to bake with Bryce and Trevor's mom. Got to see Avatar, that was pretty good! Other than working and getting sick during break, I saw an abundance of my favorite movies and got to spend time with my nephew. One of the movies I watched was "He's just not that into you" and despite the repore it has, I actually really liked it. What sealed the deal for me was the last few minutes of it. One of the main characters wraps the film up with a little thesis. Ill let you figure out why I liked it.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. "

Excuse me, are you using this seat?

2009-12-13T18:47:00.000-08:00

"Excuse me, are you using this seat?" I looked up to a girl wearing the cutest scarf. She was eating with her boyfriend, presumably.

I then looked to the empty chair next to me and replied, "Oh no, go ahead."

A question I have gotten very used to. I eat alone just about every meal in the school cafeteria, and the first few times I would look for a seat in the corner so people didn't think I was weird for eating alone. After the first few weeks passed by, I was too hungry and too busy to care anymore. My best friend became my iPod and earphones as I got to be in my own little world and listen to music while I ate. I feel like I complain a lot about how alone I am this year, but as I was reflecting on my current stage in life, I have come to a few realizations. After she took the chair away from my table, I then knew my next blog assignment and began formulating my thoughts. I believe God had, and has had me purposefully be somewhat "alone". I have had the agonizing privilege to be able to go through a very intense wrestling match with God about who He is and what I believe. Let me say, He won. He always does. I have been able to question, challenge, face, and fight with God on so many issues, and to be honest, I don't know how I would have been able to do this had I been in any dating relationship, or to constantly hang out with friends. You see, when I would be around people a lot, I would conform to the beliefs of those I was closest to. And then when I was alone, I was lost. I had no idea who I was or what I believed. I will never forget the words of one of my friends those years I was that way. She commented once on it and called me a chameleon. She said that I changed depending on who I was around. Ouch. I didn't even know I was doing that. I think I learned from an early age to change my mood depending on who I was around, because there was a person I was always around that was so heavily manipulative in his moods. So, being alone has been good. It has been a blessing in a thick disguise. Lord thank you for this time in my life, how I praise You for your inhumane ways of doing things. So, lets recap. God knew what He was doing. He always does. I wonder how many years it will take me to fully trust that and be able to leap into His arms in complete trust. Yikes. I believe I just admitted I still don't always trust God.

This week marks the end of this semester, and shoving me even further into my future, as I am about to graduate in May. Three years ago, I never thought I would even graduate college, let alone be in a different town on my own. I can't believe the person I have become, it is painful and funny looking back on this chapter in life. A story that needs some polishing before I tell my grandchildren I'm sure :)

As I'm sitting here I formulate so many sentences. So many things that I want to write about. Just then I thought of how I love to connect to people. How I desire that, through my words, I can bring someone to tears. To bring a person to that light-bulb moment with God where something clicks and somehow through my words they hear Him. Beth Moore said this before, that she loves when someone bypasses her and goes straight to God through her teaching. I know what she means. I desire to have a way with words that feels personal, that can open someones heart to their feelings and hurts so that they can see themselves for who they really are. I love when people get in touch with themselves. My roommate Holly last year used to make fun of me because I always asked a lot of questions. My bosses have also said that too. Holly used to write on my facebook a list of 20 questions for me, and it always made me laugh. But I LOVE to ask questions. I love asking people why they think they do certain things, why they feel certain ways. I become giddy when I can ask a question that triggers something inside a person that causes them to question why they do something, or why they are a certain way, it's AWESOME! I'm even giddy describing this! I'm weird. . .

Anyway, questions are cool. I don't think people ask enough questions. Ask God some questions. Ask yourself even more. Lets open your heart up and get in touch with some stuff. Stuff's good. Right?

Okay, my blogs are long. When I get writing I think of five thousand things I could write about, some profound, some just the random things that bounce around in my head. If i blogged more often, they would be shorter, but if you have stuck with me this long, hooray! Want a cookie?

Dear me, you are the sexiest thing that has ever walked this earth. Love, me.

2009-11-17T22:53:00.000-08:00

It's been a few days since I did that last blog. And boy do I feel great. It's a little silly how self expression can do so much for you, well me. I hope that it could do the same for you. I have a friend who was encouraged to do the same and started a blog. The domino effect. Helps me feel like taking a step in the right direction has more in it than just that.

I'm sitting here trying to think of what to blog! Feeling like the world is out there just waiting to be expressed. Without rambling too much of what I ate today or what I plan on doing tomorrow, I hope to write about the things in my head. As random and hilarious as they sound.

School is getting a bit crazy. Partially my fault for procrastinating in every way possible. But along with the procrastinating, the semester is nearing an end and I have to get myself enrolled in a class away from CBU so I can graduate on time. That means registering, figuring out what class to take, when I will take it, and fitting it in an already jam packed schedule of work, 19 units, 2 choirs, time for the homework that I don't do :), and making new friends.

I went on a date Saturday night to a guy who came into my work. Long story short, it was terrible. And I don't think I have ever been asked out on a date like that. I have had 2 boyfriends who I would go on dates with, but that was it. In a strange way I was proud of myself for going. For taking a chance when I have been hurt many times. For feeling that I was desirable and that any guy would enjoy going on a date with me. Even as I type that I cringe at sounding conceited. But that is so far from how I view myself. So there it shall stay. I told my mom the other day that I think I am finally loving me. And it may sound like a strange concept to you, but I have despised myself for far too long. I was browsing wallpapers for my phone, I saw one that said, "Dear me, you are the sexiest thing that has ever walked this earth. Love, me." I laughed that anyone would choose that, and the guy or girl that has that as their wallpaper must be a person who is so enthralled with themselves. I had to choose it. As a gentle reminder that I am lovely, and that there is so much about me that others love and will love. This new endeavor of loving me and not always putting myself down is hard, but so fulfilling. I am finding more of God the more I stretch myself. It's beautiful.

Searching

2009-11-13T01:11:00.000-08:00

I just stood on my balcony and listened to the rain fall for twenty minutes. I think I'm searching. Listening. Not sure what for, but it feels good to be silent. I started this blog several months ago now, in all hopes of writing a lot. Somewhere in the last year or so I think I lost my heart and haven't been back to being me, whoever that "me" was. And that loss kept me from writing, a past time that brought so much joy and freedom. I think I was and am somehow afraid to write. Afraid to explore those things in me through the expression of them. I can't tell you, whoever you are, how often throughout the day words form in my mind into beautiful sentences, profound statements, and eloquent expressions of things that just need to be said. But I never write them down, I internally refuse myself to be seen, be heard. I guess its some sort of punishment, or a sickness of enjoying being low on myself. My writing is never fluid. The words come out just as my thoughts process, and somehow these things end up making sense in my own way, and maybe to someone else I hope.

I have so much passion in me. Something I have been denying myself. I cocoon myself in a safe bubble so I won't get hurt, and put up a hard shell for everyone to see. Their glances and strange conversations only affirm that I am keeping them at a distance. Tonight I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and she said that I will only get out of relationships what I put in. She's right. And I have been. I complain about being lonely but won't put a single amount of effort to pursuing friendships or relationships. I expect them to fall into my lap, and for them to initiate me. I have a sick way of thinking that I shouldn't initiate anyone, to not push myself onto them, to not be too much, or not enough. And that if anyone wanted a relationship with me they would pursue it. It's retarded to say the least. It's a strange feeling, this loneliness but refusal to reach out to anyone or anything.

I feel like I should make 20 separate blogs to catch up my 1 follower. Yeah, I say it that way. 1 follower. Like I am a pathetic blog loser who only has 1 friend. I write these things in hopes that people will read it, a trait I own that I despise. For people to verbally appreciate me. To hear my words, to think well of me. Well, tonight I needed to write. For me. For God. For freedom.

Here's a recap of my life much like a preview to a boring movie.

Can she ever stop with the self deprecation?

I'm graduating with my BA in Behavioral Science in May.

I work a job that hardly pays my bills, but am thankful for it.

I am singing still, however mundane and useless it feels. I love it, I need it.

I have successfully got my friend pool at an all time low and am now feeling the pain from it. I miss the days of having a best friend. Lord break through this stubborn child.

And the question I know everyone has been DYING to ask I know! Yes, still single. Ha. That was funny to type. Oh how the continuous complaining carries on.

Im barely hanging onto these last few months of school. As if I tried hard to begin with, these last few classes are getting less and less of my attention that I have now come to see that the area in which I chose to study is not something I want to continue on in my life. Regardless I enjoyed studying it, that which I did study HA. And I'm not sure what else I would have studied. Having a college degree in a family of maybe 1 or 2 degrees will feel good. I think I have a deserved sense of pride in saying that. I will start a legacy with my children.

Oh my children. My sweet sweet baby girl. I am in tears thinking of the day I get to hold you and kiss you and make fun of dad because you will grow up to be just like me! And my son, I can't wait to rough house you like I do my nephew; although I am sure I will realize all my sister's cautioning me to be careful will become my own motherly paranoia. I can't wait to adore the resemblance of you to the man I fell in love with. And to my husband, I can't even express how much I anticipate your entry into my life. I could write the most eloquent chain of words for you as I think of my hopes for our future and my love for you. So for now I wrap up my prayers and hope for you in a tightly knit box and place it carefully by God's feet. He knows I'm begging for it to be soon, and I do my best to convince Him, me, and everyone else that I'm being patient.. and trusting.. :)

So here it goes. Hope. How about another round with you?

Hired

2009-06-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

So before school ended the thought of coming home and not knowing what my summer had in store was pretty scary. The first day after choir tour I went to dinner with my mom and sister to Chilis and thought, hey, I can apply here. When the manager asked how our food was I introduced myself to him and asked if I could come in and apply. He said I could and I was back the next day. When I got there they told me that they weren't taking any more that day, and I was sent home. I came back the next day and filled out an application, met two managers for small interviews, and took a huge test. I passed the test and was asked back for another interview. When I came back the next day for the interview a different woman told me that they were no longer hiring, and she wasn't sure what the other manager was doing, and sent me on my way. I was so upset for getting the run around. That day I went to my church and talked to the preschool and was told they weren't hiring either. A few days later I get a call from my mom and she tells me that the church is hiring and that I had a position teaching! The next day I get a call back from Chilis saying they have had a new position open and they want me back for that interview. Today is Monday, and I just had that interview. After I was asked many questions, the lady stepped away to grade my interview. She came back and said that she hasn't even called my references but she wanted to hire me! She said that she loved my personality and wanted to hire me on the spot! WOW! So two jobs in this economy, and I got them within a week of trying. Wow, just wow.

Summer

2009-05-19T13:19:00.001-07:00

I thrive on being busy! Today is the first day after tour and I am already feeling weird about not having anything to do. I went to dinner last night with my mom and sister to Chili's and asked if they were hiring. I was told they were and to come in from 2-4, so I think that is what I will do!

I feel all internet savvy. I made this blog, I made a Twitter, and I have been updating facebook pictures, woah. It is nice to be back home in the heat! I spent the last two weeks up north for UCO tour and froze my butt off! This week: jub hunting, looking into schools in Bakersfield, dentist, laying out in the pool, and lots of sleep. Summer is a favorite time of year for me.